Art Lover
November 2002
by Mike Webb

Last week, a woman that I'm trying to date asked if I'd like to go to some art galleries with her sometime. Not really I thought, cause I don't know anything about art and it's just not my scene. But of course I told her yes because A) I'll give you one guess, and B) I'm open to being exposed to something new and different. Well later that day, the state senator that I work for happened to give me an invitation to an art opening that weekend. So being as socially inept as I am, I figured it would be good to take another friend (Raina) so that I could practice my art eye and get comfortable saying something like "the tableau is a paradigm of the inner dignity and beauty of the feminine mystique."

The exhibition that we attended featured the work of the renowned Jeff Koons. I've always thought of myself as an expert on pop culture, but I didn't know jack about this cat. Luckily, Raina knew a bit about him and told me he was a well known kitsch (which is German for crap) artist who married an Italian porn star who offered to screw Saddam Hussein if he'd just chill out. Ok, maybe this guy wasn't all bad after all.

So we walk in and the first thing we see is a large composition that features the outline of legs in fish net stockings, a model whose face is covered up by flowers, various things from nature, and a bunch of other gunk plastered all over it. Immediately, I laugh on the inside thinking that someone might actually pay money for this shit. On the outside though, I stared in quiet contemplation. Raina broke the ice when she noticed that the champagne was flowing, so without discussion, we quickly moved on.

The next room had a blow up dolphin hanging from the ceiling. Hanging from a chain attached to the dolphin was a tub-like container with lots of large, shiny kitchen pots and pans. I didn't get off so easy this time because Raina wanted to know what I thought about it. I started to say, "the tableau is a paradigm of the inner dignity and beauty of the feminine mystique," but that didn't seem to fit. So I think I stammered something about saving the sea/fish/whales, and joked that the big pots & pans were there to help the dolphin move the ocean water to its new home. The truth is I thought it was really silly - something I'd expect to see in my 8-year-old cousin's room, but somehow, Raina reasoned that Koons was making some kind of statement on consumerism. She actually said a lot of stuff that made sense, but since it was such a nonsensical thing to me, I really don't remember what she was able to glean out of it.

Things went downhill from there because in the next room I proceeded to touch one of the works of art (it looked like a kitchen cabinet and I wanted to feel if it was wood or whatever), and that made Raina laugh hysterically because unless you're in a children's museum, you're not supposed to touch the art. So now I felt like a complete, classless, idiotic boob.

But in the days since, I've realized that though I am a complete, classless, idiotic boob, I know what I like. And I sure as hell didn't like that stuff. I can't say it was pretentious because I don't know what the hell it was supposed to be. But I can say it didn't move me in any way. I didn't want to shake my ass, I didn't want to stare and marvel at it, and I didn't want to talk about it. I just wanted to go eat.

But later, when I thought about it, I got mad because the exhibit made me doubt myself and my ability to comprehend art. And that pissed me off. I let some sham "artist's" juvenile work get over on me when it shouldn't have.

While I don't know if Koons' work had any redeeming value, I do know that I've seen paintings by Picasso and Van Gogh and was frightened by their honesty. I've seen "The Thinker" sculpture and thought about it. I've seen photos by Ansel Adams that I'd like to jump into. And I've heard the opening strains to the Stones "Rocks Off" and immediately started doing backflips.

Mr. Koons, I've seen Art. Art is a friend of mine. And you Mr. Koons are no Artist.


(Mike Webb is a volunteer staff writer for 2 Walls Webzine)