Is Nothing Sacred in Hollywood?
January 15, 2004
by Craig Curtice

Doesn’t anyone in Hollywood have an original idea for a film anymore? I mean look at some of the titles that have been in and out of theaters over the past year – Freddy vs. Jason, S.W.A.T., The Hulk, I Spy, and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Did Freaky Friday really need to be redone for a third time? Love Don’t Cost A Thing was merely a hip-hop remake of 1987’s Can’t Buy Me Love, and guessing by the short run in theaters, Nick Cannon is no Patrick Dempsey. It was what The Wiz did for the Wizard of Oz.

Now opening in theaters is yet another Peter Pan movie and a Black Stallion prequel, but more annoying is that Steve Martin has signed on to do a new Pink Panther movie. Martin is a comedic legend, but his remakes are totally pointless. Father of the Bride was merely amusing (part II bombed), Sgt. Bilko was horrible, and The Out-of-Towners was pathetic compared to Jack Lemmon’s marvelous frustration in the 1970 original. There’s no way he’ll outdo Peter Sellers as the bumbling Inspector Clouseau. Now, how about focusing on making The Jerk 2: Navin’s Spring Break Revenge?

See, my problem is not that these things are being remade, it’s that the remake is using the same name. Instead, why not call a movie like Freaky Friday “Silly Saturday” or “Wacky Wednesday” – that way if the movie sucks the memory of the original film isn’t tarnished.

Remember Saturday The 14th? Well, there was a shitball sequel called Saturday The 14th Strikes Back, which was so bad, it sullied any dignity the first film ever had. Same thing with C.H.U.D. – you know, Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers – well approval for funding for C.H.U.D. 2: Bud The Chud went through somehow. I’m convinced that everyone Hollywood is taking lots of drugs.

Now, granted those are merely B-movie examples, and it’s expected that they (and their remakes) suck, but take a look at classic cartoons adapted for the big screen. Remember how Scooby-Doo stunk? Well, apparently there’s work on a sequel. Inspector Gadget was a live action turkey, Josie & The Pussycats was lame, and does anyone ever remember Richie Rich? The Flintstones sucked big time, so why make The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas? Again, probably drugs.

And like it or not, here comes a film version of Starsky & Hutch starring Ben Stiller, Owen Wilson, and Snoop Dogg, which is destined to be just another clunker in a long line of crummy television adaptations. Need proof? How about Wild, Wild, West, The Brady Bunch, Beverly Hillbillies, Adams Family, Lost In Space, Little Rascals, and The Avengers? Don’t kid yourself; you’ve probably seen both Charlie’s Angels flicks twice – yet you still haven’t actually seen anything.

Continuing the spread of unfounded Internet gossip, Nicole Kidman wants to star in a screen adaptation of Bewitched, but I hear that she isn’t able to wiggle her nose (which is obviously integral to the part). Maybe she’ll bag the idea and decide to star in a remake of I Dream Of Jeannie, that way she only has to cross her arms and bob her head.

Tim Burton has seeped to the public that he wants to remake Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory, but I’m going to suggest that he leave the dark confectionary classic alone. The results will likely be a computer-generated mess that’ll feature bratty, flavor of the month kids, and pfft – Jack Albertson won’t be in it, so why bother?

Because of the overwhelming commercial tie-in potential, corporations are probably already falling all over themselves to sell Wonka meals, Wonka toys, and Limited Edition Willy Wonka Ford Explorers.

Well with all this Wonka talk, what better way to waste time than to guess who might be cast in a remake? Clay Aiken could play the chirpy Charlie – he looks about twelve, he’s non-threatening, and he can really belt out show tunes. And since there probably won’t be a big screen adaptation of the Barney Miller spin-off Fish, Abe Vigoda should have plenty of time to play grumpy Grandpa.

Jim Carrey maybe could play the wacky Wonka, but he’s already on shaky Grinch ground. You can forget Mike Meyers; he’s got only eight lives left after flatlining in The Cat in the Hat. So that leaves Jack Black to be the odds-on favorite after the success of School of Rock, plus Kyle Gass would be perfect as the sneaky Slugworth – and hey, maybe The D could score the soundtrack! Hey, now calm down people, it’d still suck.

What’s next, Shaq starring as Fat Albert? How about Titanic II? Or let’s just trash everything sacred – The Big Chill II: St. Elmo’s Fire vs. The Breakfast Club. Say, when’s that KISS biopic coming out?

(Craig Curtice is a volunteer staff writer for 2 Walls Webzine)