Banana Splits: The Worst Album I Own
September 1, 2004
by Craig Curtice

Scholars and music junkies will forever argue over the worst albums ever recorded—like maybe Billy Joel’s 1970 atrocity Attila, Philomena Begley’s 1977 clunker Truckin’ Queen, or perhaps anything by the god-awful Cranberries. But the real question is what’s the worst album that you actually own? My hands-down winner is We’re The Banana Splits—Here Come The Beagles. And believe me, it must be bad because I’ve got some real doozies too like Debbie Drake’s How To Keep Your Husband Happy and Christmas With The Brady Bunch. Ouch. Still, The Splits take the cake.

"Four banana, three banana, two banana, one"

This musical albatross quietly entered my collection about two years ago when I found it at a St. Mark’s record store in New York City. It must’ve triggered some long lost childhood memory, which rendered me powerless not to buy it. Plus the disc even has some bonus tracks and songs from the Beagles too. At the time the choice seemed obvious, but days later I discovered it contained seventy-two nauseating minutes of slaphappy pseudo-Monkees psychedelia completely unfit for adult consumption.

"All bananas playin’ in the bright warm sun"

For those who weren’t born yet or simply don’t remember, The Banana Splits was a rather corny children’s TV show than ran on NBC from 1968 through 1970. Disguised as quality programming, it was nothing more than a bunch of actors dressed in stuffed animal costumes “playing” hyperactive bubblegum music and riding around in go-carts at an amusement park.

"Flippin’ like a pancake, poppin’ like a cork"

Anyway, the album begins innocently with the catchy Banana Split theme “The Tra-La-La Song (One Banana, Two Banana)” but soon after it dawns on you that what you are listening to is the audio equivalent of eating way too much ice cream at a over exuberant birthday party. I’m not kidding around – repeated listens may cause insanity. I’m talking this is the stuff to blast through high-powered speakers when you need to remove a ruthless dictator from power. My tummy hurts just thinking about it.

"Fleagle, Bingo, Drooper an’ Snork"

So why do I keep it? Because the back cover says that only 1,000 copies were made which apparently makes it a rare collector’s item. See my plan is that forty years from now when Antiques Roadshow comes to town, I’ll whip this baby out to the shock of all the expert appraisers.

"Tra La-La, La-La-La-La…"

"Oh, my god!" They’ll shriek. "This may well be the only known copy left in existence after that mass Banana Splits record burning was held in 2019! “Mr. Curtice, you are a very lucky man."

"Tra La-La, La-La-La-La…"

(Craig Curtice is a volunteer staff writer for 2 Walls Webzine that has no intention of selling his Banana Splits album so don’t bother asking him about it.)