Happy Fun Machine
June 9, 2003
by Dustin Pangonis

The Date: May 17, 2003
The Scene: The Mountain Home High School gymnasium
The Event: The Abba Zabba and the Return of the Yellow Stool, drama fundraiser concert

Seven of Mountain Home, Idaho's finest bands have gathered to participate in Abba Zabba and the Return of the Yellow Stool fundraiser concert. And as the rhythm guitarist in one of those bands, I am very nervous. My group, Happy Fun Machine, formed only a week prior to the show, and doesn't even have a drummer. Worse yet, we arrive at the venue to find out that our keyboard player, Colin, has dropped out. True, we have a life-size cardboard cutout of James Dean and a Funtone (an onstage dancer) up our sleeve, but no one is confident that these gimmicks will be enough to pull us through.

We're scheduled to go on fifth, giving us plenty of time to pace around nervously. But at the last minute, things start coming together. We assemble a small batch of fans who have agreed to come onstage during our last song. We get Colin to drop by as a spectator, and then convince him to sing the Santana cover he forced us to learn.

Before we know it, the fourth band has closed the curtain, and we're backstage frantically setting up our equipment.

We're limited to twenty-five minutes for set-up and performance, and considering our elaborately planned entrances and exits, we're going to be cutting it close. As I lean down to flip on my amp, the stagehand informs me we've already burned five minutes setting up. We quickly finish up, plug in, and promptly run off stage.

Finally, it's showtime. The curtains open, but no one is onstage. Colin walks out to the microphone holding a boom box. "Before we get this started, I have a musical opus I'd like to share with you all", he proclaims, and hits the play button. Two layers of vocal scatting/drumming start up, and then the vocals come over: "Ba ba baba buh ba baaaa, ba ba ba baaa buh ba, ba buh ba baaaa – MASTER NINJA THEME SONG!"

My brother, Dane, walks out onstage amidst cheers to the soothing strains of "Master Ninja Theme Song" (from Mystery Science Theater 3000), and straps on his bass. I come next, followed by Chris on lead guitar and vocals, and "Captain Howdy", the afforementioned Funtone. Colin reaches down, turns off the CD player, and leaves. Chris takes the mic and yells, "ONE TWO THREE FOUR!" and we kick into "Chainsaw" from the first Ramones record.

As the song ends, I approach my mic. "We're Happy Fun Machine." (cheers) "Right off the bat I'd like to apologize for a couple of things. As you can see we don't have a drummer, because we formed last Friday, so we didn't have time to put together a full band. We'd like to apologize because we're only playing covers, because we didn't have time to write original material. I guess I'd just like to apologize for an overall lack of talent and preparation on our part." (more cheers)

My bro's bassline starts off our next number, "Debaser" by the Pixies. Between the Ramones and the Pixies, I am so nervous that all the moisture vanishes from my mouth and my gum begins to fall apart. I don't even have enough saliva in my mouth to properly spit it out after the song, and have to drink a third of my water bottle in order to flush it out.

After some self-promoting banter about our merchandise booth out in the foyer (being worked by the lead singer of Laureth 23), Chris straps on his guitar for the first time, and kicks into "Sunless Saturday" by Fishbone. Our biggest applause during the song comes when our Funtone pulls up his shirt.

Next up is our Santana cover, "Open Invitation". I approach the mic once again. "You may notice in addition to not having a drummer, we don't have a keyboard player, either – which you might not have noticed, because most bands don't have keyboard players. We did, but he quit tonight – right before the show." (aawws) "But, he's agreed to come out here and sing this song by Santana, so let's bring him out, Colin Erickson!"

Colin takes the stage, and informs the crowd that, 1. For those of you who hate generic pop songs, we’re not gonna play "Smooth"; 2. We apologize for that Laureth 23 crack, we really do think they're the best band since Bananarama; and 3. He'll be reading off a lyrics sheet, since this is his first time singing for a large crowd and he might wet his pants.

A nice change of pace from fast punk songs, Santana gives the audience a chance to clap their hands, Chris a chance to do an actual guitar solo, and Colin the chance for an applause break by milking a high note in the second chorus. "That's the only way to FLLLLLLYYYYYYY!"

As "Open Invitation" ends, I look to the side, and see a stagehand holding four fingers in the air. Four minutes left! Chris and I both decide to cut our planned cover of the Madness classic "Our House" and cut to the last song, Mustardplug's "Beer Song". And, as planned, we call a few friends onstage. "We need Dillon and friends" calls Chris. "Yes", I add, "They're going to do what the kids call the 'skanking' for us. They're going to come on stage and 'skank' during this song."

To my amazement, about a dozen people decide to come up on stage. This radically breaks the "no-one-who-is-not-in-a-band-is-permitted-on-stage" rule, but hey, it's our last song. We even get a few of them going to the mic and hit the song's "Whooooa-oooa-oa-ooooa!" backing vocals. After about two minutes, the drama teacher comes onstage and orders everyone off. We keep playing, confused, and as I let my guitar fade-out for the clean guitar and bass interlude, the song descends into chaos. I start into our closer, "Happy Fun Machine Says Goodbye", but after one bar Chris says "I think we should just cut this, we're overtime", so I hit the last chord and wave as the curtain closes.

Sure, we may not have been the most musically sound band of the night. We may not have had a drummer. We may not have played all our songs. We may have been kicked off early. But thanks to plastering every wall of the school in fliers for the week before the show, we survived on our combination of undeserved hype and between song antics. And best of all, the crowd enjoyed it. Imagine how great we'll be when we have a drummer and can play a full set!

(Dustin Pangonis is a volunteer staff writer for 2 Walls Webzine)