| Ranking
the Impossible
The Rolling Stone Dissing of Edward
Van Halen
October
1, 2003
by Craig Curtice
Perhaps
it’s the Entertainment Media’s last chance
to throw old history in your face, but it seems that every
music magazine lining supermarket aisles is trolling out
“Best-ever,” “Greatest” or “All
Time” rankings. Recent examples are plenty –
“1001 Greatest Songs to Download,” “Sleaziest
Moments in Rock,” and “Essential Albums To
Own Before You Die.” Obviously the intention is
to sell magazines, but Rolling Stone’s
subjective ranking of the “100 Greatest Guitarists
of All Time” does nothing but irritate, annoy, and
perturb. It’s expected when fluff rags like Teen
People compile “Awesomist CD’s to Actually
Buy at a Store,” but this is Rolling Stone,
the authoritative Granddaddy publication that’s
hard to ignore.
First, are we talking all time all time? Even
going back to medieval days? I hear there were some really
kick-ass lute players throwing down in the 16th Century,
like John Dowland and Francis Cutting. This is like the
original NFL sack record, which should belong to Deacon
Jones, but the NFL refuses to acknowledge his “quarterback
tackles behind the line of scrimmage” as sacks.
Can the 100 greatest guitarists even be ranked in an order
to satisfy most everyone? Is it really possible to rank
the hottest women of all time? How about the best buzzer-beater,
prettiest sunsets, or cutest puppies of all time?
So let’s see here, if Johnny Ramone is really #16
and Ron Asheton is #29, then I figure that mythic gods
David St. Hubbins and Nigel Tufnel should be around #15
and #14 respectively. Jack White ranked at #17? If he’s
so great, how come “of the White Stripes”
is written below his name – if that really even
is his real name, who knows, he might be married to his
sister. Other head-scratchers include Tom Morello #26,
Vernon Reid #66, Eddie Hazel #43, and Kirk Hammett #11?
Should Joan Jett (#87) or Randy Rhoads (#85) even be there?
It’s possible to make another list of those that
didn’t make the list – Al DiMeola, Joe Satriani,
Steve Vai, George Benson, or how about Charo (no one ever
played sexy cuchi-cuchi guitar better). And now really,
is Jimi Hendrix the greatest guitarist of all time? For
a dead guy he sure releases a lot of records, I don’t
know, maybe he is. But what is our impossible fascination
with ranking them?
Chuck Berry seems a confusing pick at #6? Sure he’s
a legend, but top ten? A few years ago, I listened to
the entire Chuck Berry box set, but by the end of the
third disc it became tedious hearing the same lick over
and over. Yes, yes, again, Berry’s a pioneer, but
also remember that his last hit was the simpleton “My
Ding-a-Ling” in 1972. Interestingly in the film
Back To The Future, there’s a scene when
Marty McFly plays “Johnny B. Goode” at the
Enchantment Under The Sea Dance, and guess what? He finishes
big-time with a blistering Van Halen-esque solo.
 Which
finally brings me to the insanely stupefying ranking of
Eddie Van Halen at #70, which by the way, is weaker than
Vince Neil’s puny vehicular manslaughter sentence.
Now I’m not one of those freaks that think he’s
tops, but c’mon, #70? We’re talking about
Eddie Van Halen, the groundbreaking party legend
from Pasadena, the man Frank Zappa (# 45), thanked for
“reinventing the guitar.” His innovative fretwork
tapping and speedy technique baffled wannabe’s for
decades. The apocalyptic “Eruption” became
the new “Stairway To Heaven,” although Guitar
Legends “100 Greatest Guitar Solos” would
have you believe that “Stairway” is first
and “Eruption” is second. The winged VH logo,
the onstage leaping in goofy outfits, the cigarette burning
in the headstock, the rock and roll hair, those ripped
abs; how many guitarists can be recognized merely by the
sight of their guitar? His signature red, white, and black
striping on homemade Kramers is as instantly recognizable
as his funky brown sound.
Further
adding an intangible mystique, Van Halen has also been
oddly canonized in pop culture lore with references in
the legendary films Fast Times At Ridgemont High and
its snot-nosed little brother, Better Off Dead.
Jeff Spicoli saves Brooke Shields from drowning and spends
his reward money hiring Van Halen to play his birthday
party, while Better Off Dead achieves mad cinematic
genius with a claymation scene depicting a cheeseburger
dancing among a vat of french fries singing the VH classic,
“Everybody Wants Some!” Don’t forget
SNL’s Schmitt’s Gay Beer, the million-dollar
payday at the ’83 US Festival, “no brown M&M’s,”
and a one-take solo on Michael Jackson’s billion-seller
“Beat It.” For a band that formed in 1974,
it’s a damn shame how little David Lee Roth-era
Van Halen material exists commercially in a golden age
of box sets, remastered rare & live albums, and DVD’s.
It’s
been a rough couple of years for Mr. Van Halen. He’s
parted ways with Warner Brothers Records (the only label
he’s ever known), battled and conquered tongue cancer,
and sadly split with wife Valerie Bertinelli. His feuds
and reunion rumors with Diamond Dave and Sammy Hagar are
stuff of legend, and his self-imposed, five-year absence
is frustrating. At this rate, next time Rolling Stone
puts another ridiculous 100 Greatest Guitarists list
together, Dave Matthews and John Mayer will bump Eddie
Van Halen off completely. I leave you with a classic line
from Better Off Dead, “Man, now that’s
a real shame when folks be throwin’ away a perfectly
good white boy like that.”
(Craig
Curtice is a volunteer staff writer for 2 Walls Webzine)
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