Witness The Suckitude
(an email conversation)
October 2000

Below is an email conversation between several friends regarding ArmchairReviews.com (music review website, created by Michael Walls, which has since become integrated within 2 Walls Webzine). The principle characters are: Stephan Finch, Michael Walls, Chris Orcutt, Mike Webb, and Deb Walls. This conversation has been reprinted by permission from all involved. Enjoy.

Stephan: Just curious – is it me or do these other reviews suck? Do they really, really, really suck?

Witness the suckitude: "The Moon & Antarctica is by far the best album of the year, if not the best album I have ever heard and will probably ever hear. You simply cannot grow tired of it. With each listen, I discover new sounds, new vocal changes, and new meanings. Buy this album. Now. Do it. What are you waiting for? Go, go, go!!"

Whafuck? This is the stupidest, wrongest fucking drivel I've ever read, and it doesn't even matter if she's right. She just insists again and again and again that this album is good. Never gives us the slightest reason why. There's no funny little personal story. There's no insightful point of musical reference. Not a word of convincing expository. It's a goddamn advertisement!

Dude! There's a HUGE difference between a useless list of personal faves and a useful list of personal faves. Please make sure Armchair Reviews remains in the latter category.

And please excuse my bitchy tone.

Michael: Steph, explain to me (us) what you think the exact purpose of Armchair Reviews is?

But before you do so, let me explain my original intention, which is summarized in the site's subtitle of "Music Reviews - From people who have no business talking about music." One of the original words in my original "thesis" statement was "Opinions". And some of the great things about the word "opinions" are: 1. Meaning, more then one. 2. Meaning, not necessarily fact or fiction, or true or false, or good or bad, or right or wrong.

Dude, I'm sorry that not everyone has your flair for words and expression. And I'm sorry that there are people out there with really bad taste in music. And I'm sorry that there are people out there with really bad taste in music who are really bad at expressing their enjoyment in really bad music.

The fact of the matter is, what makes personal expression and opinion so great is the disagreement. How boring would it be if everyone liked the same music. Personally, I'm getting pretty damn bored reading about Radiohead's "Kid A". I'd be more excited to get a review of Madonna's latest then to get another "Kid A" thesis paper.

As far as the "Category" that Armchair Reviews "stays in" -- reread my "about us" statement which states, "we will not discriminated, even against those with really bad musical taste."

This is a fun website with absolutely no goals, intentions, ulterior motives or presumptions.

Personally, I enjoy getting reviews that seem simple and basic, without much thought put into them. It breaks up the "essay writing contest" that sometimes appears to happen. I do appreciate a well thought out review that is clever and entertaining and funny and well written. But, not everyone has the same thought patterns and/or time to put into it that we do. I just appreciate the fact that they enjoyed the site enough to participate in it.

If you want, maybe we can start a new site called: mike_steph_chris_webb_reviews.com. Subtitled: "No one else's reviews needed. Keep your fucking opinions to yourself."

Webb: Preach on Brother Walls. 2 cents – essay writing contest really sums it up. What I think we should do is go to Napster, listen to some of the dreck that's being recommended, then scold the person so brutally that they never submit another review. No money wasted, and the rebuttals will be part of the fun.

Michael: Can someone explain this quote from Steph's review of Radiohead's "Kid A" to me, 'cause I still don't know whether he likes it or not....

"Good techno is like good gin – you mix it with something else. Preferably with someONE else. And, if at all possible, someone who is not your lover but might soon be. Finally, like a good gin, techno is best if it's not really the thing you remember about last night, even if last night couldn't possibly have happened without it."

Whafuck?

If I drink scotch, will I enjoy this CD? What if it's just a one-night stand and she only drinks tequila?

You know what this conversion reminds me of? It reminds me of that scene in The Commitments when Jimmy, the band leader puts all his time and efforts into building this shitty little soul group, knowing darn well that the chances of it really going anywhere are slim to none. Yet he does it because it brings enjoyment to him and he knows it brings enjoyment to the people involved. Then at one point, during a rehearsal, the guitarist comes up to him and expresses his displeasure in a couple of members in the band ('cause they're not from the streets or something) by saying, "Jimmy, I don't like the direction this band is taking." To which Jimmy says, "Direction?! What fuckin' bloody magazines 'av you been reading, Arse-hole!" Meaning, there really isn't any directions besides, "playing in the band" and "not playing in the band."

Another good analogy would be: It's like me going out and grocery shopping and filling up your fridge with all this food and you turning around and saying, "Whafuck?! Mangos?! I hate fucking mangos!"

Well you know what? Don't eat 'em.

Chris: You know what it reminds me of? That scene in High Fidelity when the guy in the store tells one of the guys working there that they're snobs. And he was totally right. I guess I'm a snob too because when I hear some of the stuff that people are buying, I'm like, "You're kidding me". That SUCKS. But, screw it, it brings the people enjoyment then that's what's important. I can give people my suggestions but it's up to them to take them, and if they don't, that's cool too. And vice versa.

So I think I can speak for everyone when I say, Keep those mangos coming.

Deborah: Ok. I know I'm not really supposed to be involved in this little pissing contest here but as the wife of the armchair reviews "guy" I have to comment.

So is it safe to assume that my review of the "Magnolia" CD is really high on the "suckitude" list? I'm dying laughing over here - I personally like mangos, Donna Summers & the Beastie Boys so where does that leave me?

All this reminds me of a scene in "Melrose Place" when Amanda slept with Billy and Allison said "you're a bitch" and then someone ran Jane over with a car and she ended up in a wheelchair but all this happened before Kimberly re-appeared back from the dead on the beach in front of Michael's apartment. That was an AWESOME episode. . . .

We obviously don't all have the same taste or even the same level of "witty writing" experience and describing music doesn't come easy to everyone. I was under the impression that the site isn't supposed to intimidate us simple minded music lovers from writing about something we like. Even if we have a hard time expressing why.

"Good techno is like good gin – you mix it with something else. Preferably with someone else. And, if at all possible, someone who is not your lover but might soon be. Finally, like a good gin, techno is best if it's not really the thing you remember about last night, even if last night couldn't possibly have happened without it."

This is one crazy analogy. That's almost like saying: "A good pair of thong underwear is like a good bottle of sunscreen – neither will leave you with lines on your ass and you can still have fun in the sun". . . .

DOES THIS MAKE SENSE? Probably not, but it's just my opinion . . .

Chris: Deb! I'm dying over here! This makes me want to rent some episodes of Melrose place!

Deborah: Wasn't it awesome? They just don't make tv shows like that anymore. Chris do you want to start up a review site called "crappytvreviews.com"? I'll let you write whatevah you want . . . . . do you remember the one when Kimberly stole Joe's baby?? Now that's good stuff . . . .

Chris: You know, there used to be a great cable access show in NY called "Rules Like Ozzy" where these 2 metalheads would just talk about everything in their lives (like a new guitar, or a great pair of sneakers) that was so awesome that they met the requirement of Ruling like Ozzy. That could be the next website!

Deborah: Run it by the webdesign guy . . . . . thing is we need to come up with something that MAKES US MONEY! All this is making me want to get together with you guys -- anyone up for visiting CT to drink some beer and listen to some Donna Summer? We can dance around in the leaves. Webb I'll even let you borrow my BIKE . . .

Webb: A) Doesn't anybody here work during the day?

B) The gin & techno thing may be one of the best analogies on Armchair Reviews. I don't want to read too much into it, but techno's for dancing, drinking & sleeping together - mix it with reggae and you've got drum & bass, mix it with loud drums and you've got big beat. The new Radiohead didn't do it, and it ain't gonna get ya there. I cracked up when I first read it - at least he TRIED to entertain.

C) Gotta admit the thong/sunscreen one is better tho!

D) All this bitching reminds me of the time when the Professor finally found a way off the island and Gilligan screwed it up. Remember that episode - it was pretty hilarious.

E) Beers & biking - Count me in!

Deborah: I'm still laughing over the Mike biking/Lisa screaming visual I've got in my head . . . . .. those were the days . . . . . . . are we ever going to rent a house together again? Stephane don't you have any rebuttals to all this crap?

Michael: All right, so here are my thoughts (no, I don't work during the day). Stephane hasn't responded to any of my (our) taunts since this began two days ago. Possible reasons are:

1. He is so filled with rage that he is writing a massive rebuttal, complete with poignant antidotes, witty analogies, unintelligible adjectives and obscure quotations.

2. He is so filled with rage that he is having his research assistant write a massive rebuttal, complete with poignant antidotes, witty analogies, unintelligible adjectives and obscure quotations.

3. He finds all this useless banter mildly entertaining, but is above responding to the dimwitted, musically inferior, subwriters that he thinks we are.

4. Wants to desperately participate in the fun, but is forever trapped in a "read-only" email environment. (God help him.)

5. Is currently scanning Stephen King novels for another cool word like "Whafuck" to use in his response.

Any other possibilities?

Deborah: Okay, I can't top that. One funny analogy a day for me . . . .you kill me. . . everyone here wants to know what I keep laughing about! Stephane do you still love us?

Chris: I am typing this from the floor. Amy keeps asking me What's so funny? I so clearly remember Webb motoring up the driveway on Lisa's bike and I was like, Aw shit, look out, he's done for, Lisa's gonna kill him. We should most definitely do a house rental again.

Deborah: Okay that's enough I'm going to pee in my pants!

Michael: Well, it's been fun. But I gotta go. Thanks for the laughs. Steph, remember....Who loves ya, buddy! Have a good weekend all.

Stephan: Well, folks I'm back from vacation in Maine! My email box provided me with the best reading I've had in days! I don't get the thong analogy, but I like it anyway.

Just a clarifying note: My little bitchy email from last week wasn't a complaint about people's musical tastes. I was complaining because I think people ought to give a reason WHY they like or dislike something. Nothing more.

Love you all right back, Stephan