One Bad Apple
February 2003
by Mike Webb

Ever since computers have been a part of our daily lives, I've heard that Macs are better than PCs. And I just took it for granted that it was true, because most people run Windows on their PCs, and Windows is made by the evil, capitalist pig Bill Gates. (Why do I have the feeling my computer is contacting Microsoft right now, and is going to crash in about 10 minutes?) But after 3 weeks of using Macs at work, I can tell you – Macs suck ass.

Now, I'll admit that my frustration with Apple/Macintosh/whatever is more the result of stultifying ignorance than the unfunctionality of Macs (see, right now, my PC is telling me "unfunctionality" is not a word – but one right mouse click – and it's just been added to my personal dictionary). If I got a lesson or blew $15 on a book (that calls me stupid to my face) then I could probably figure it out. But I've spent the computer years of my life figuring the little devils out for myself (mostly by watching computer nerds poke around and then tell me to reboot), so a semi-computer literate man ought to be able to figure Macs out. But I can't. So I hate mine.

How do Macs suck? Let me count the ways. First, I can't fucking save the same document twice without re-titling it. I can't right mouse click and get a synonym. I can't have 6 stupid programs running and look at the bottom of my monitor and click on the one I need. I can't click and drag my friggin' internet explorer icon directly onto my desktop. I can't export info to Excel without reformatting the info. And I just can't do all the simple things I do on my PC that I want to do on my Mac. Basically, I want my mommy.

I know this is stupid, but of all the things I miss, it's the right click that's really killing me. Why the hell would Apple design a one function mouse when you could have two? It's like – mine goes to 11! One right click and the world is at your fingers: get your program info, change the hot babe on your wallpaper, go into properties, cut and paste, get a blow job, and on and on. A world of options – that's what it's about. See right now, I'm right clicking to find another word for "click", and 8 suggestions just came up. Very helpful for a person who writes (or as I right click into my Word synonyms book again – "hacks") on their computer.

So to all you artists, designers, text manipulators, publishers and stubborn non-conformists – get with the program. PCs rule the world! (Especially when they run Windows! Thanks Mr. Gates. No problem. Go ahead and make that out to Webb - that's right, 2 Bs……)

(Mike Webb is a volunteer staff writer for 2 Walls Webzine)