2004 Christmas Gift Guide
by Bob Holt
age of technology has enabled us to communicate with more
people than ever before. We can now talk to people from
coast to coast and overseas, along with our local acquaintances.
And with the holiday season coming upon us again, this
may cause our Christmas shopping list to grow to enormous
Perhaps we'd like to send holiday
greetings to the new friend we sent to the intensive care
unit after hitting them while trying to steal their parking
space at the mall while Christmas shopping.
And maybe we'd like to e-mail our Christmas thanks to
that lovely young actress whose new video we just discovered
on the Internet, for giving our lonely weekends new meaning,
along with our only other friend, Captain Morgan.
Our contact lists are continuing to grow. In case our
new online friends don't have the proper knowledge of
the "Ignore" and "Block Sender" functions
which come naturally to friends who have known our kind
longer, we may actually have to buy them a gift which
expresses how we truly feel about them.
Since good antacids are hard to find, the next best thing
is to turn to our Christmas Gift Guide. Our team has scoured
every corner of the country from coast to coast and overseas
in search of good, practical, heartfelt gifts which are
actually available for purchase. All of these items are
subject to some stringent quality control tests including:
1. Do they fit in the boxes we have left over from last
year's returns? And 2. Can we look at them without projectile
So we'll begin with a little item which comes from some
good, old-fashioned American exploitation. The people
have discovered Saddam's Bunker Buster Shock and
Awe Hot Sauce.
Yes, Saddam Hussein may have lost his country and his
palatial spider hole, but now he has a hot sauce named
after him. And this hot sauce is so powerful, Hans Blix
would have confiscated it.
This Shock and Awe sauce comes in a six ounce bomb shaped
bottle containing a lethal combination of ingredients,
including habanero pepper. You can own this weapon of
mass destruction to your intestines for $7.99.
our next item just happens to be a President
Bill Clinton Talking Action Figure, from
This 12.5 inch tall likeness features seventeen actual
clips from Clinton speeches and campaign appearances.
A few of these are not campaign related, like "That
depends on what the meaning of the word is, is,"
and "I did not have sexual relations...yada yada
A great gift for any party, this presidential action figure,
which is always looking for more action, is yours for
$29.99. The current supply is stocked inside of Barbie's
If that isn't enough action to make you feel better during
today's times, what you need is an ornamental display
for your home to celebrate our American holidays. And
nothing cries out for a celebration more than the Dress
Up Cow from catalogcity.com.
Dress Up Cow marks and milks the holidays with six festive
fashion outfits, Fourth of July, Halloween, Thanksgiving,
Christmas, St. Patrick's Day, or Easter. This cow measures
9 1/2 x 4 1/2 x 8 inches and can be yours for $29.98.
Your home will be the talk of your neighbors, at least
until they are able to move.
One day you may find that you need to improve your home
by repairing foundation cracks and waterproofing. Our
crack staff has found a company which enjoys their work
so much that they have included a fashion line devoted
to it. For $16.00 you can own a Mr. Happy Crack
tee shirt from mrhappycrack.com.
You'll look like you just came from a fashion runway,
or a monster truck rally as you display their slogan,
"A dry crack is a happy crack" on the front
of your shirt. Find yourself on the cutting crack of fashion
when you order the complete Mr. Happy Crack wardrobe,
the Mr. Happy Crack hat, the Crack team tee shirt, and
the Mr. Happy Crack boxers. And the "Got Crack?"
hat makes the perfect stocking stuffer.
this amount of care for your home is too much work, it
may be time to make a move. You may want to join the more
than two million people from 176 countries around the
world who own property that is truly out of this world.
You can purchase one acre of land on the moon
for as little as $29.99.
The standard gift package includes a lunar deed, map,
Constitution and Bill of Rights and a registration card.
Your name, as a property owner, will be deposited on the
moon in a 2003 Trans Orbital mission. To date, more than
300 million acres of land on the moon have been issued
to individuals and corporations. The number of 401Ks currently
in orbit is unreported.
Having extra guests in your home over the holidays may
cause it to become a bit more...aromatic than usual. So
the members of our staff went looking for an air freshener
that captures the fragrances that everyone craves. Instead,
they came up with the Funky Fresh Meat Scented
Air Fresheners from stupid.com
Just imagine filling your bedroom with the alluring smell
of a barbecued steak. You can also order the smell of
greasy, smoked bacon. Be the first on your block to turn
your home into a mini Outback Steakhouse today.
With your home smelling fresh again, you'll want to get
back to decorating the tree. You don't want just any ornament
thrown onto your tree, like something made by your youngest
child. What you want is the Another
Egg For Arnold Schwarzenegger/Davis 2003 Recall Election
Christmas ornament from tracytrends.com.
After all, nothing says Christmas like an overblown political
circus. This two-sided egg ornament includes the words
"Schwarzenegger for Governor 2003", Arnold's
image, the slogan "Give California Back It's Future"
and the state of California and Republican elephant symbol
on Side 1. This side is also available with closed captioning.
Side 2 includes a Gray Davis image, a bucking Democrat
donkey symbol, and the words, "Terminating Gray Davis."
Egg on those disagreeing viewpoints with this beautiful
ornament for $8.99. You'll be groping for excuses when
your tree looks incomplete without it.
state budget problems such as California's can even cut
into your own Christmas shopping. Guys will want to find
just the right inexpensive, yet worthwhile gift for their
wife or girl friend, because they realize she isn't merely
interested in gold. Fellas, you can put down the Lawn
Boy because we have the Koala
Poo Earrings from roopooco.com
These are pendant style and coated in matt acrylic to
make them washable. Yes, they really are the real thing,
courtesy of Winnie, the selected staff poo bear. Be cool,
be hip, and buy her the most unique ladies gift on the
market today. You can always get them back in the divorce
And most ladies know exactly what the guy in her life
needs. He could use a wardrobe, tools for use around the
house, or maybe a membership at a gym. But what he WANTS
is another matter.
He wants the Beer Belt from catalogcity.com
for $19.98. This plastic adjustable waist wearing belt
keeps up to six cans or bottles of his favorite beverage
within easy reach. No longer will he need to make the
supreme effort of getting off the couch to walk all the
way across the room to the refrigerator to get another
beer during an important part of a game. He will want
to keep this item in the divorce settlement.
While you are likely to be doing plenty of partying over
the holidays, for once maybe you can think about the environment.
The Nature Conservancy of Osage County, Oklahoma is trying
to preserve its 38,000 acre Tallgrass
Prairie Preserve. Here is where you can enjoy the
legend of the prairie, just as our ancestors did.
The preserve depends upon climate and fire to survive.
The other part of the legend is where you come in. Nature.org
will allow you to adopt
a bison for only $40 per year.
The bison eats thirty to fifty pounds of grass each day,
and requires many other bison-related expenses, like mouthwash.
Help keep the legend alive for your children and grandchildren.
Little Jimmy will be a huge hit at school when he takes
his new bison to show and tell.
Other large animals are also involved in productive activities
these days. Animalschool.net
is selling original paintings by their resident artist
at the school, Nellie
Each elephant painting is an original, and sells for $50.
With each purchase of one of Nellie's paintings, you will
receive a photograph of Nellie doing some trunk retouches
to your painting to share with your family, friends, and
Paintings are on thick watercolor paper at 15" x
22", and are unframed. Get one today and show your
support for a mammothly creative new artist.
can get another artistic item to give to your friends
who are on the move. They won't be moving quite as much
when they receive the lovely Casket
Phone Booth from casketfurniture.com.
Now on sale for only $2236, this phone booth saves you
all the drudgery of carrying around a cell phone. Other
casket furniture items include the casket sofa, the pet
casket, and the Kramer coffee table. So talk until you
drop as you reduce the burden of high priced funerals
and any kid of friends with these unique alternatives.
Our staff is always on the lookout for such unique choices.
And they found nothing more unique, or unusual than the
exciting world of scrotum gifts. You can own a Kangaroo
Scrotum Pouch for $15 from kangarooscrotums.com.
These are unique and attractive pouches which are crafted
from genuine kangaroo scrotum. They appear to be leather
and have a designer look. Really. No stitches or seams
can be found on the bag. The standard pouch is four inches,
and prices range up to $39 for the huge, for the discerning
Christmas shopping season would be complete without something
for the family pet. Your dog will mark your whole neighborhood
as his territory when you get him the Pimp
Doggie costume from ronjo.com.
For $15.99, the Pimp Doggie costume comes with a velvet
cape with a neck tie and belly strap, and has an attached
leopard print collar and a tie on his pimp hat. You won't
be bitching when your doggie begins his own productive
career like elephant Nellie by getting his face out of
the toilet and back out on the street. And by the way,
big gold chain sold separately.
And as always, again this year we are offering our Lifetime
Service Guarantee, which states: If you are not completely
and utterly 100 percent excited, thrilled, and totally
out of your gourd with pleasure over your purchase, you
can call our customer service representatives any time,
24 hours a day, seven days a week for total satisfaction.
These representatives are me and my friend Captain Morgan,
and we're not likely to pick up the phone because we're
busy watching our friend Paris Hilton's latest video.
Thank you and Merry Christmas.
(Bob Holt is a guest writer for 2 Walls Webzine)