The 2004 Christmas Gift Guide
December 3, 2004
by Bob Holt

The age of technology has enabled us to communicate with more people than ever before. We can now talk to people from coast to coast and overseas, along with our local acquaintances. And with the holiday season coming upon us again, this may cause our Christmas shopping list to grow to enormous proportions.

Perhaps we'd like to send holiday greetings to the new friend we sent to the intensive care unit after hitting them while trying to steal their parking space at the mall while Christmas shopping.

And maybe we'd like to e-mail our Christmas thanks to that lovely young actress whose new video we just discovered on the Internet, for giving our lonely weekends new meaning, along with our only other friend, Captain Morgan.

Our contact lists are continuing to grow. In case our new online friends don't have the proper knowledge of the "Ignore" and "Block Sender" functions which come naturally to friends who have known our kind longer, we may actually have to buy them a gift which expresses how we truly feel about them.

Since good antacids are hard to find, the next best thing is to turn to our Christmas Gift Guide. Our team has scoured every corner of the country from coast to coast and overseas in search of good, practical, heartfelt gifts which are actually available for purchase. All of these items are subject to some stringent quality control tests including: 1. Do they fit in the boxes we have left over from last year's returns? And 2. Can we look at them without projectile vomiting?

So we'll begin with a little item which comes from some good, old-fashioned American exploitation. The people at stupid.com have discovered Saddam's Bunker Buster Shock and Awe Hot Sauce.

Yes, Saddam Hussein may have lost his country and his palatial spider hole, but now he has a hot sauce named after him. And this hot sauce is so powerful, Hans Blix would have confiscated it.

This Shock and Awe sauce comes in a six ounce bomb shaped bottle containing a lethal combination of ingredients, including habanero pepper. You can own this weapon of mass destruction to your intestines for $7.99.

And our next item just happens to be a President Bill Clinton Talking Action Figure, from TheGag.com. This 12.5 inch tall likeness features seventeen actual clips from Clinton speeches and campaign appearances. A few of these are not campaign related, like "That depends on what the meaning of the word is, is," and "I did not have sexual relations...yada yada yada."

A great gift for any party, this presidential action figure, which is always looking for more action, is yours for $29.99. The current supply is stocked inside of Barbie's Dream House.

If that isn't enough action to make you feel better during today's times, what you need is an ornamental display for your home to celebrate our American holidays. And nothing cries out for a celebration more than the Dress Up Cow from catalogcity.com.

Dress Up Cow marks and milks the holidays with six festive fashion outfits, Fourth of July, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, St. Patrick's Day, or Easter. This cow measures 9 1/2 x 4 1/2 x 8 inches and can be yours for $29.98. Your home will be the talk of your neighbors, at least until they are able to move.

One day you may find that you need to improve your home by repairing foundation cracks and waterproofing. Our crack staff has found a company which enjoys their work so much that they have included a fashion line devoted to it. For $16.00 you can own a Mr. Happy Crack tee shirt from mrhappycrack.com.

You'll look like you just came from a fashion runway, or a monster truck rally as you display their slogan, "A dry crack is a happy crack" on the front of your shirt. Find yourself on the cutting crack of fashion when you order the complete Mr. Happy Crack wardrobe, the Mr. Happy Crack hat, the Crack team tee shirt, and the Mr. Happy Crack boxers. And the "Got Crack?" hat makes the perfect stocking stuffer.

If this amount of care for your home is too much work, it may be time to make a move. You may want to join the more than two million people from 176 countries around the world who own property that is truly out of this world. You can purchase one acre of land on the moon from lunarlandowner.com for as little as $29.99.

The standard gift package includes a lunar deed, map, Constitution and Bill of Rights and a registration card. Your name, as a property owner, will be deposited on the moon in a 2003 Trans Orbital mission. To date, more than 300 million acres of land on the moon have been issued to individuals and corporations. The number of 401Ks currently in orbit is unreported.

Having extra guests in your home over the holidays may cause it to become a bit more...aromatic than usual. So the members of our staff went looking for an air freshener that captures the fragrances that everyone craves. Instead, they came up with the Funky Fresh Meat Scented Air Fresheners from stupid.com for $3.99.

Just imagine filling your bedroom with the alluring smell of a barbecued steak. You can also order the smell of greasy, smoked bacon. Be the first on your block to turn your home into a mini Outback Steakhouse today.

With your home smelling fresh again, you'll want to get back to decorating the tree. You don't want just any ornament thrown onto your tree, like something made by your youngest child. What you want is the Another Egg For Arnold Schwarzenegger/Davis 2003 Recall Election Christmas ornament from tracytrends.com.

After all, nothing says Christmas like an overblown political circus. This two-sided egg ornament includes the words "Schwarzenegger for Governor 2003", Arnold's image, the slogan "Give California Back It's Future" and the state of California and Republican elephant symbol on Side 1. This side is also available with closed captioning. Side 2 includes a Gray Davis image, a bucking Democrat donkey symbol, and the words, "Terminating Gray Davis." Egg on those disagreeing viewpoints with this beautiful ornament for $8.99. You'll be groping for excuses when your tree looks incomplete without it.

But state budget problems such as California's can even cut into your own Christmas shopping. Guys will want to find just the right inexpensive, yet worthwhile gift for their wife or girl friend, because they realize she isn't merely interested in gold. Fellas, you can put down the Lawn Boy because we have the Koala Poo Earrings from roopooco.com for $20.

These are pendant style and coated in matt acrylic to make them washable. Yes, they really are the real thing, courtesy of Winnie, the selected staff poo bear. Be cool, be hip, and buy her the most unique ladies gift on the market today. You can always get them back in the divorce settlement.

And most ladies know exactly what the guy in her life needs. He could use a wardrobe, tools for use around the house, or maybe a membership at a gym. But what he WANTS is another matter.

He wants the Beer Belt from catalogcity.com for $19.98. This plastic adjustable waist wearing belt keeps up to six cans or bottles of his favorite beverage within easy reach. No longer will he need to make the supreme effort of getting off the couch to walk all the way across the room to the refrigerator to get another beer during an important part of a game. He will want to keep this item in the divorce settlement.

While you are likely to be doing plenty of partying over the holidays, for once maybe you can think about the environment. The Nature Conservancy of Osage County, Oklahoma is trying to preserve its 38,000 acre Tallgrass Prairie Preserve. Here is where you can enjoy the legend of the prairie, just as our ancestors did.

The preserve depends upon climate and fire to survive. The other part of the legend is where you come in. Nature.org will allow you to adopt a bison for only $40 per year.

The bison eats thirty to fifty pounds of grass each day, and requires many other bison-related expenses, like mouthwash. Help keep the legend alive for your children and grandchildren. Little Jimmy will be a huge hit at school when he takes his new bison to show and tell.

Other large animals are also involved in productive activities these days. Animalschool.net is selling original paintings by their resident artist at the school, Nellie the elephant.

Each elephant painting is an original, and sells for $50. With each purchase of one of Nellie's paintings, you will receive a photograph of Nellie doing some trunk retouches to your painting to share with your family, friends, and your analyst.

Paintings are on thick watercolor paper at 15" x 22", and are unframed. Get one today and show your support for a mammothly creative new artist.

You can get another artistic item to give to your friends who are on the move. They won't be moving quite as much when they receive the lovely Casket Phone Booth from casketfurniture.com.

Now on sale for only $2236, this phone booth saves you all the drudgery of carrying around a cell phone. Other casket furniture items include the casket sofa, the pet casket, and the Kramer coffee table. So talk until you drop as you reduce the burden of high priced funerals and any kid of friends with these unique alternatives.

Our staff is always on the lookout for such unique choices. And they found nothing more unique, or unusual than the exciting world of scrotum gifts. You can own a Kangaroo Scrotum Pouch for $15 from kangarooscrotums.com.

These are unique and attractive pouches which are crafted from genuine kangaroo scrotum. They appear to be leather and have a designer look. Really. No stitches or seams can be found on the bag. The standard pouch is four inches, and prices range up to $39 for the huge, for the discerning shoppers.

No Christmas shopping season would be complete without something for the family pet. Your dog will mark your whole neighborhood as his territory when you get him the Pimp Doggie costume from ronjo.com.

For $15.99, the Pimp Doggie costume comes with a velvet cape with a neck tie and belly strap, and has an attached leopard print collar and a tie on his pimp hat. You won't be bitching when your doggie begins his own productive career like elephant Nellie by getting his face out of the toilet and back out on the street. And by the way, big gold chain sold separately.

And as always, again this year we are offering our Lifetime Service Guarantee, which states: If you are not completely and utterly 100 percent excited, thrilled, and totally out of your gourd with pleasure over your purchase, you can call our customer service representatives any time, 24 hours a day, seven days a week for total satisfaction.

These representatives are me and my friend Captain Morgan, and we're not likely to pick up the phone because we're busy watching our friend Paris Hilton's latest video. Thank you and Merry Christmas.

(Bob Holt is a guest writer for 2 Walls Webzine)