A Look Back at 2004: The Year of Britney, Dick and Martha and a Return to Traditional Moral Values
January 1, 2005
by Bob Holt

The year 2004 marked the return of our country to good, old fashioned traditional moral values. Despite the attempts by the latest axis of evil, Janet Jackson, Nicolette Sheridan, and Howard Stern to influence our airwaves, America stood tall for our unalienable right to watch Trading Spouses and the World Series of Poker.

We began to get back to an appreciation of the family unit. Same sex marriages continued to turn up across the United States, as same sex couples fought for their own equal rights to be just as miserable as many traditional couples. And President Bush heartily endorsed the standard male-female union, and their unalienable right to go to Las Vegas and get married for 55 hours.

New tourism commercials began to run for New Jersey, inviting visitors to "Come out, and see what we're about." By August this line had taken on an entirely new meaning.

So with the little moral fiber which we have remaining, let's take a look back at the roughage we all had to digest in 2004.

The year began in a perfectly normal fashion, as perfectly normal nutball Michael Jackson responded to being arraigned in court by dancing on top of an SUV.

Speaking of Martians, President Bush announced bold plans to go back to the moon by 2015, and then to Mars in the future, because it is a red planet. The NASA land rover Opportunity landed on Mars, taking pictures of dirt, rocks, and six Wal-Mart's.

Leading Democratic candidate for the Presidential nomination Howard Dean finishes third in the Iowa caucus, then suddenly began foaming at the mouth, barking and chasing after his campaign bus, all the way to New Hampshire, South Carolina, Oklahoma, and finally Vermont.

Shy and reclusive singer Britney Spears married short and dumpy Jason Alexander from Seinfeld for a couple of hours during a weekend in Las Vegas.

Early in February we saw Super Bowl 38 take place in Houston, Texas without any problems at all between the champions of the AFC, the NFC, and the FCC.

The CIA admitted there was no imminent threat from weapons of mass destruction before the Iraq invasion, but they are still quite concerned about Howard Dean.

President Bush proposed a Constitutional amendment which would protect the traditional marriage between a man and a woman.

One weekend in Las Vegas, recent divorcee Britney Spears married Jennifer Lopez for about an hour and a half.

Complying with the new, tougher FCC regulations, HBO's Sex and the City shut down production after a six season run. A renewed America promised to appreciate sex the way they did in old traditional times: at the video stores.

The 76th Academy Awards saw The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King win eleven awards, including honors for best picture and creepiest director.

Mel Gibson's The Passion of the Christ is released nationally. Footage of Jesus telling Boston Red Sox players that he has one more miracle left in him is cut from the film.

In March, Martha Stewart was found guilty of lying to investigators, obstruction of justice, and two counts of drive-by fonduing.

Democratic Senator from Massachusetts John Kerry clinched the Democratic Presidential nomination by winning nine primaries on Super Tuesday, and vowed to represent every American when he becomes President by supporting each side on every issue.

When we finally reached April, the high hopes of local sports fans rested on the Phillies, who were opening their new stadium, Citizens Bank Park. On opening day they deposited another one in the loss column, 4-1, to the Cincinnati Reds, running their early season record to 1-6. Acoustics appear to be fine in the new building, as the boos were heard in a high, distinct volume and quality.

As May arrived, regular viewers of NBC's ratings bonanza Friends were disappointed as the Thursday night staple concluded after ten seasons. Network executives proposed a revolutionary new concept for a replacement show which would be about four single people trying to survive in New York and have storylines about nothing.

Despite the stand of the Bush administration, Massachusetts legalized same-sex marriage.

During a long weekend in Las Vegas, Britney Spears married Jenna Bush for 55 hours.

In early June, Salt Lake City's Ken Jennings makes his first appearance on Jeopardy.

The latest local sports hopeful, Smarty Jones just misses the Triple Crown by losing the Belmont Stakes. The same day Ronald Reagan reaches his final furlong. Later Ray Charles hits the road for the final time.

In frigid Hockeytown USA, Tampa Bay saw its Lightning win the NHL's Stanley Cup over the Calgary Flames, apparently putting an end to the NHL menace.

Bill Clinton's biography, "How to Make Love Like a Porn Star," is released and becomes a national bestseller.

During a spirited Senatorial debate, Vice President Dick Cheney tells Democratic Senator from Vermont Patrick Leahy to do something anatomically impossible to himself and the horse he rode in on.

The interim Iraqi government finally receives the keys to Iraq on June 28. They deliberately locked the keys in a camel on the 29th.

Hollywood evildoer Michael Moore's movie, Fahrenheit 911, is released.

Entering July, we saw Martha Stewart sentenced to five months of hard crocheting beginning in October at rugged Camp Cupcake in Alderson, West Virginia.

According to a report from the CIA, Pee Wee Herman won the Tour De France cycling title.

The Democratic National Convention occurred in Boston. Teresa Heinz Kerry told a reporter to "Shove it," and was returned to a spacious spider hole near Pittsburgh.

Locally, on July 1 the use of hand held cell phones while driving in New Jersey became a secondary offense. The triple Swiss mocha in your left hand, your five disc CD changer, and the triple cheeseburger you're balancing on the steering wheel remain perfectly acceptable.

Retired thoroughbred champion Smarty Jones sued John Kerry for trademark infringement for the use of his likeness in photos.

In August, negative political campaigning continued in earnest as Love Boat veteran Captain Steubing accused John Kerry of performing CPR on a gay hamster during his Vietnam service tour.

The Summer Olympics were held in Greece, where it all began. They were won by a whole lot of people from a whole lot of countries with really long names not containing enough vowels that no one can remember anyway but still hate us.

The Republican National Convention took place in Madison Square Garden in New York City. Dick Cheney accepts the Vice-Presidential nomination, telling supporters to "Shove it."

Locally, embattled New Jersey Governor James E. McGreevey informs the world that he is a gay American. Early public reaction about the announcement seemed to go either way.

Negative politics continued in September, when on 60 Minutes, Dan Rather attacked President Bush's 1973 National Guard record, swearing that his report was based on reliable information from the CIA.

Cat Stevens was detained while attempting to fly to London because he was on a terrorist "watch list" for the US.

Mount St. Helens became active again.

Tony Danza became active again.

Security tightened up even further in October. Davy Jones and Mike Nesmith of the Monkees reportedly hijacked the last nightly train to Clarksville, and were met at the station by local authorities.

On the campaign trail, Vice President Dick Cheney stood by his assertion that the Bush administration has created millions of new jobs, denying that three-quarters of them had gone to Halliburton.

On the CBS Evening News, Dan Rather projected Ross Perot as the winner of this year's Presidential race. Also, Dick Cheney was heard calling Iraq a "remarkable success story." In the latest in negative political ad campaigning, Osama Bin Laden sent us another video.

Rodney Dangerfield found respect in another life.

Britney Spears married somebody.

Hell froze over in Boston, as the Red Sox won the World Series, breaking the curse of the Bambino. New York Yankee owner George Steinbrenner promptly purchased the state of Massachusetts, and relocated the Red Sox to Hoboken.

Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show are reportedly detained at the Canadian border for attempting to bring cheaper prescription drugs into the United States.

Stumbling into November, we saw Scott Petersen found guilty in the first degree murder of his eight-month pregnant wife Laci, thereby confirming that murder is illegal in Los Angeles once again.

Major media combat operations in Vietnam finally ended as George W. Bush is elected to a second term of office, despite early exit polls in Ohio indicating that Pat Buchanan or Al Gore would win. Many Bush supporters said they voted for him due to his moral values.

Kool was reportedly captured trying to break Martha Stewart out of solitary confinement, where she's been since she attacked a guard with a shiv, but the Gang remain at large.

The NFL airs a skit involving Philadelphia Eagle Terrell Owens and Desperate Housewives actress Nicolette Sheridan before a Monday night Eagles broadcast, which was brought to you by Cialis.

State Farm decides to stay in New Jersey's auto insurance market because they are unable to leave the state due to Turnpike traffic.

NASA's ScramJet reaches about 7,000 MPH in an unmanned experimental flight, a speed of Mach 9.6, almost ten times the speed of sound. Commuters of the Atlantic City Expressway still pass the Scramjet, and give it the finger.

Sixty-six television stations fail to air "Saving Private Ryan" for language reasons due to fear of FCC fines.

The Clinton Library opens in Arkansas. Meanwhile, John Kerry opened a Fotomat in Boston, selling leftover pictures of him windsurfing and wearing his NASA condom space suit.

An increasing number of cell phones continued to get recalled due to faulty batteries, causing many of them to explode.

The FCC heavily fines CBS for airing footage of the reindeer named Vixen in the Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer holiday special. Vice President Dick Cheney denounced the action, calling the Rudolph classic "a remarkable success story."

Cheney also continued to insist that the Bush administration is creating jobs, citing all of the openings in the President's cabinet. Meanwhile, Donald Rumsfeld threatens to deploy NBA players to Iraq.

Ken Jennings is defeated on Jeopardy in his 75th game after a crazed Alex Trebek hits him on the head with a mallet during the final commercial break.

Moving along to December, the movie "A Series of Unfortunate Events" is released. An angry President Bush said, "I thought winning the election would put a stop to Michael Moore."

Due to a slower than expected Christmas shopping season, Santa Claus is forced to downsize Rudolph, Dancer, and Prancer, and four elves. "You go with the reindeer you've got, not the reindeer you want," he says.

Recalled cell phones return to the market and continue to explode, this time during public conversations in department stores during Christmas shopping. No one cares.

As we say good riddance to 2004, according to our latest updated, sure thing, can't miss, precise but yet infallible 2005 exit polls, we learn that the economy is looking brighter, the country is becoming less divided, and men from Mars have landed. And we hope to soon learn what infallible means.

But with our return to traditional moral values, if we all come together we can make 2005 the successful year our country sorely needs. We're off to a good start, because at this point Paul McCartney has been announced for the halftime show at the 2005 Super Bowl, leaving open only the possibility of a prostate malfunction this time. Happy New Year.

(Bob Holt is a guest writer for 2 Walls Webzine)