The Future of Decency
March 15, 2004
by Glenn Pfeifer

Some News Items From the Not-So-Distant Past and the Not-To-Distant Future:

The House of Representatives today voted on the final piece of legislation on the congressional calendar for this year before everyone begins their fund-raising activities, and the new decency standards were passed almost unanimously.

The new law takes effect on January 1st, and guidelines will be mailed out to all new parents by the end of the year. The terms “wee-wee,” “pee-pee,” all variations on poop (poops, poopie, etc.), “hiney” and “tooshie” were added to the “50 dirty words list” and will take effect once parent training begins.

“What we’ve attempted to do with this list update,” noted House Majority Speaker Richard Hurtz, “is give parents a guideline that they can refer to when teaching our children about the functions of the body. The last thing we want is confusion over how parents should refer to these disgusting acts, so we hope this legislation clears things up for a while. We are looking to adopt “visit the toilet” as the national descriptor, and I’ll be introducing that bill after my vacation. Now if you excuse me, my wife is waiting for me on the yacht."

“Wow, there’s hardly anything fun to do since they made music illegal…”
– Frank Zappa 1979

“After attending a [performance] of this ‘porn rock,’ I can tell you that it’s outrageous filth, [and I’ll be looking, from this senator’s standpoint, to] find some way constitutionally to do away with [this outrageous filth”]
– Senator Ernest (Fritz) Hollings, September, 1985 – Record Label Hearing – Committee on Commerce, Science and Transportation

Senators today fined several broadcasters $10 Million Dollars for allegedly partaking in a flatulence contest on the air. Senator Chris (Poppy) Cox was the lead proponent in seeking the fine, “how can we stand by and let bodily functions be heard on America’s airwaves. It’s a travesty. I know that if my son ever did anything like that in front of me, I’d take away his swimming and tennis lessons for a week.”

Police in New York City responded to a ruckus outside Irving Plaza early this morning when undercover agents apprehended a young couple for the crime of letting their “middle-sections” touch during their dance ritual. Investigators commented that they would have let the kids separate cleanly without stepping in, however the young man appeared to be of a non-white descent, and the young woman was clearly “a blonde-haired, blue-eyed American.”

Federal agents had to lock down all shops and businesses today on “Gay Island” due to a sharp increase of activity at the island’s video store. According to sources, there were several underground copies of Ben Stiller’s “Zoolander” circulating among this protected island of homosexual deviants. Armed guards were called in when other island inhabitants stormed the video store and demanded additional copies. “Zoolander” has been on the banned movie list since the Federal Homophobe Act was passed into law, stating that all references to sexual perversion shall be abolished in the name of Jesus Christ.

Eventually it was discovered that God did not want us to be all the same.
This was bad news for the governments of the world as it seemed contrary to the doctrine of Portion Controlled Servings.
Mankind must be made more uniformly if The Future was going to work.
Various ways were sought to bind us all together but, alas, same-ness was unenforceable.
It was about this time that someone came up with the idea of Total Criminalization.
– Frank Zappa 1979

Lawmakers move toward increasing indecency fines – WASHINGTON (AP) — Still upset over last month's Super Bowl halftime show, lawmakers are moving closer to making it more expensive for radio or television stations to put indecent programming on the air.

The Senate Commerce Committee voted Tuesday to raise the maximum fine for indecent programming from $27,500 to $500,000. The House Commerce Committee approved a similar increase last week, and the full House is expected to take up the measure Thursday.

Lawmakers have criticized broadcasters for airing what they say is increasingly coarse programming that can be seen or heard by children. The effort to crack down on such shows gained new momentum last month when singer Justin Timberlake exposed Janet Jackson's breast to 90 million viewers watching the Super Bowl halftime show.

"Americans, especially parents, are fed up with content producers and broadcasters who have for too long ignored regulations that are designed to keep a standard of decency and protect children on the public's airwaves," said Sen. Sam Brownback, R-Kan., a sponsor of the bill.

(Oh wait, this one’s for real...)

(So is this one...)

Senate kills bill protecting gun makers (3/3/04)

WASHINGTON (CNN) – The Senate Tuesday overwhelmingly voted to kill a bill that would have protected gun manufacturers from lawsuits, with supporters turning against the measure after senators added a provision extending the 1994 ban on assault rifles.

The bill died on a 90-8 vote after its principal sponsor, Idaho Republican Sen. Larry Craig, and the National Rifle Association urged a thumbs-down on the amended measure. Craig, an NRA board member, said his bill was "so dramatically wounded it should not pass."

"I would not send to this president or any president a bad bill of the kind that was crafted here in the Senate through the amendment process over the last several days," he said. But he added that the issue "will not go away."

Craig's bill would have shielded manufacturers from potentially ruinous lawsuits except in cases of defective products or illegal sales. More than 25 cities have filed lawsuits accusing gun manufacturers of negligently marketing their products in ways that make them readily available to criminals and of failing to include safety features.

In a series of votes Wednesday, senators added an amendment to Craig's bill that would have closed the loophole that allows the purchase of guns at gun shows without a background check; an amendment to let off-duty and retired police officers carry concealed weapons across state lines; and another to extend the assault weapons ban, which is set to expire in September.

The NRA urged senators to vote against the bill after the amendments were added, calling them "poison pill" measures.

"While we will continue to work to save the U.S. firearms industry, we have said from the start that we would not allow this bill to become a vehicle for added restrictions on the law-abiding people of America," NRA Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre told Senate supporters in a message Tuesday afternoon.

But New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg, whose city is one of those with a lawsuit pending, said he was "extremely relieved" by the Senate vote.

"It would be have been outrageous to grant them immunity when firearms kill 7,000 people in this country every year," Bloomberg said in a written statement.

(hmm...wonder how Sen. Sam Brownback, R-Kan, the protector of our children from the public airwaves, feels about banning assault weapons? Also wonder how much the NRA has stuffed his war chest through the years? Also continue to be amazed that a single phone call from the NRA can immediately sway nearly 50 senators.)

SOMEWHERE IS THE U.S. (Reuters)
March 15, 20??

The Senate today voted in favor of a parent’s rights to mutilate their children’s genitalia so that all sexual thoughts and acts are repressed forever. Senator Richard Head applauded the measure, “now let’s see how worked up these kids get at these rave parties without their testes and clitorises.”

(sounds far-fetched huh? Keep voting for Bible-Thumping Jesus Freaks and see how real news like this can become…)

(Glenn Pfeifer is a guest writer for 2 Walls Webzine)