Glenn's 2002 Year-end Wrap-up
December 2002
by Glenn Pfeifer

The year of our Lord 2002 is nearly gone. Like its recent predecessors, it came to pass in record speed, which tends to create unease in this soul. (If you don't consider a Lord "yours" please don't take offense to my first sentence…I've been on the fence for so long now, the capital G word & L word I use quite loosely).

I don't want to wait until Christmas week when the mainstream press collects their sound bites and divvies up 2002 like a Barbara Bush rhubarb pie in a neat little 90-minute special sponsored by Ford featuring a live interview with Rudy Giuliani. I'm summing up this past 11.5 months and calling it a year right here. My own sound bites, only I'll do the sounding off thankyouverymuch.

Attorney General John Ashcroft

If anyone actually paid attention to politics anymore, they would be frightened with this guy's policies. I don't think you're going to see the repercussions of Mr. Ashcroft selling out to the gun lobby, or pushing through strong arm law tactics in the name of terrorist defense, or even his ongoing attempt to wipe out Roe V Wade, for years to come. But when everyone is standing around wondering why grade school children are armed with semi-automatics, and those with olive skin and hard-to-pronounce last names are detained in interrogation rooms, and why American women must continue to fight rich, old men when it comes to laws that affect their bodies…don't come running to me with your complaints about Asscroft…I'm warning you right now. Be very afraid of this man.

The United States Congress and the Securities and Exchange Commission

While only select corporate scandals got to make the news this past year, not much talk is given to the measures put in place since those scandals rocked the joyride that everyone thought the 90's economic picture was. Again, we have only our greedy little selves to blame. Nobody cared when corporate scandal and inane accounting loopholes were disclosed until it hit hard. And nobody cared when a few millionaires were shown on TV in handcuffs for good measure. The following week, we were watching Access Hollywood and wondering when Brittany Spears would speak publicly again. The SEC did very little to change the reasons WHY corporations are allowed to dupe investors – they simply made the punishments harsher for those that get caught. And Congress really had nothing to say on the issue whatsoever, besides the standard "trust of the country" speeches, this bunch can't even agree on a simple thing like stock options being an expense.

I'm hardly the economic source to be listening to on complicated issues like corporate bookkeeping, but let me get this straight. Company "A" has 10 Million Dollars in its bank account. Company "A" pays their CEO 50 Million dollars in stock options sold. Company "A" never had to account for those cashed-in options in their annual reports, essentially never needing to tell investors that the CEO could cash in for 50 Xtra Large at any time. Maybe I'm just a marketing idiot without a Harvard Law Degree, but debit and credit I get. Global Crossing having no money for their investors I get. Global Crossing CEO having a 16 Million dollar house built while his company wipes out it's "less informed" investors I don't get.

The measures put in place thus far have been disguised and packaged by the DC Spin Machine as swift retribution for corporate misdoing. The fact is, the biggest businesses are all in bed with Washington. Kenneth Ley, Enron CEO, lobbied this Administrations' closest advisors for seats on the Federal Energy Regulatory Commission, and got at least one of them appointed. VP Cheney refuses to reveal his finances when some stock deals he's taken part in seem shady. It's the new witch-hunt of the 21st century, with Dems and GOPers alike looking for their opponents' financial wrongdoings. Don't bet on too many more corporate scandal stories anytime soon.

Brittany Spears

Does taking time off from a career warrant a PR campaign about taking time off from a career?

Fear Factor

Acts of stupidity have been entertaining millions on COPS and WWF "Smackdown" for years now. Why do I need writers to fabricate the mindlessness?

The Red Hot Chili Peppers

They owe us a down-home funky album for like forever…or at least since Freaky Styley.

9/11 "Carpetbaggers"

Whether it's the wise guys stealing the steel, or relief funds being held in the name of politics, or the false "Friends of Firemen" funds that paid out nothing – the increasing stories of exploitation for profit around this tragedy makes me embarrassed to call myself human.

Jerry Falwell

Please, send this man away – very far away. I'd say more but he's already suing an internet site that parodied his 9/11 asinine comments and I know you readers don't want 2Walls.com to fold under legal pressure.

College Bowls

We used to joke when I was 8 or 9 that certain games between bad football teams should be dubbed the "toilet bowl." In a few years, I will not be surprised when I see the "American Standard Toilet Bowl" between Rutgers and Army. You chuckle, go ahead. They laughed at the insight.com bowl at one time, too.

Automated Operators

Look, I understand technological innovation. But, when you can't get a person on a phone line for 15 minutes because you don't know what button to push. How is anyone benefiting?

AND SOME THINGS I GIVE ETERNAL THANKS FOR

Billy Collins: The incredible verse of our country's current poet laureate is therapeutic. It helps me get through more than I ever thought poetry could. This man is my Zoloft.

Chris Berman: Continues to entertain with insightful commentary and an unequaled knack for pushing topical buttons without getting absurd (see Dennis Miller for exact opposite).

Apple: I can't decide if my iTunes or my iMovie are the coolest things ever. I don't care what kind of proof any techie-geek shows me. When it comes to innovative consumer positioning, Apple is light years ahead of any tech company. Ditto Bose.

The Year without a Santa Claus: Heat Miser & Snow Miser have yet to be topped by anything Christmas-special-related. Period.

Happy Holidays to all and I'll see you in the New Year. God Bless us everyone. (Except Jerry Falwell.)

(Glenn Pfeifer is a volunteer staff writer for 2 Walls Webzine)