Fair catches are for wimps
February 2003
by Chelan David

The pureness of a sport can best be viewed on an elementary playground. No fancy rules, no bogus instant replays, just the essence of competition. The pros need to take a page from the unwritten rules of our youth and get back to the basics with some rule changes.

To a rough and tumble kid some of the rules the pros abide by seem downright wimpy. In primary school, tackle football on the blacktop has never been allowed. This regulation has been meted out for decades by teachers and principles and has been duly ignored for decades as youngsters eschew two hand touch in favor of tackle. Another universal rule on the blacktop is that fair catches do not exist. How can you pretend you are Warren Sapp or Ray Lewis if you can't crunch someone?

This is an instance where the NFL needs to learn from the children. No one in the world likes a fair catch except for the kick returner. Fans want excitement, the special teams want collisions, and the league wants highlights. The fair catch must go.

The instant replay rule in the NFL is a joke as well. Playing sports growing up is an initiation to the fact that life is not fair. Everyone gets screwed, but the long-standing rule is the side who argues the longest wins the decision and the other side will get the next call. Back in the day before instant replay, there was controversy but controversy is good. Certainly the multi-millionaires of the NFL should be able to understand that life is not always fair.

Growing up near Kansas City, I vividly recall Game 6 of the 1985 World Series between Kansas City and St. Louis. Don Denkinger blew a call at first base in the ninth inning and the Royals rallied to win the game and ultimately the series. Fortunately, baseball has the sensibility to let human mistakes be part of the game and the Royals enjoyed what will probably be their last hurrah in team history.

While baseball likes to think of itself as old-school there are some glaring inadequacies in the game – most obviously the DH rule. James Naismith never invented the game of basketball with the purpose of one-dimensional players who were fat and lazy and neither did the pioneers of baseball. Not only does the DH rule diminish the strategy of the game if also keeps around worthless non-athletes masquerading as ballplayers.

Bob "Hammer" Hamelin, a former Royal is the perfect example of this experiment gone awry. You've probably never heard of him, but he was a dough-boy who swung for the fences and couldn't field a lick. Sounds a lot like Cecil Fielder, but inexplicably "Hammer" was a DH from day-one and managed to win the American League Rookie of the Year award in 1994. The cruel laws of baseball seem to even out, as the system gave the Royals a tainted World Series victory and then punished them with a flash-in-the-pan Frankenstein monster.

DH's were never a part of Little League and players never sported pants so long they obscured the stirrups. Stirrups are the neckties of baseball. No one knows why the hell they wear them but they used to be worn like a badge of honor; they meant you were a ballplayer. These days, major leaguers look like they're wearing sweat pants. Bud Selig, the commissioner of baseball, doesn't seem to get much right but he could take a step in the right direction by making it mandatory to show at least three inches of stirrups.

Another thing that baseball needs to change are the relentless pitching changes. The starting pitcher can be carrying a 4-0 lead into the ninth inning and the manager will yank him for a reliever. The complete game has become a lost art form.

There are too many specialty pitchers and most of them are completely worthless. Rosters are filled with left-hand middle relievers, right-hand middle relievers, left-hand one-out specialists, pitch to Barry Bonds for one at bat specialists, left-hand closers, right-hand closers, etc, etc, etc.

I propose a two pitcher a game maximum for each team. Not only will a two pitcher limit shorten the laborious games considerably, this rule will also help bridge the gap between small market teams and large market teams. Pitching wins games and if the Expos and Yankees only have two arms each to turn to, the competition will be much more balanced.

Finally, the rule that absolutely drives me insane. The rule in basketball where players falling out of bounds can call a time-out in order to keep possession. The problem I have with this rule is players are only charged a time-out if they are awarded possession. If they are already out of bounds when they call time-out, they should still get what they requested. If someone calls a time-out give them the damn time-out.

On the playground, youngsters dive out of bounds and try to pass or flick the ball to a teammate or deflect the ball off the opposition. No one is calling some idiot time-out. When it comes to playing the games correctly, the kids seem to know best.


(Chelan David is a volunteer staff writer for 2 Walls Webzine)