Cry Me a Philip Rivers
August 15, 2004
by Craig Curtice

And I’m ready to take a chance again
Ready to put my love on the line with you
Been livin’ with nothing to show for it
You get what you get when you go for it
And I’m ready to take a chance again with you
– Barry Manilow "Ready To Take a Chance Again"

How painfully ridiculous that contract talks have ceased between the San Diego Chargers and quarterback Philip Rivers, the fourth pick in last April’s draft.

Could you possibly imagine sitting in an office of a potential employer and casually requesting $50,000 upfront and a salary of $150,000 a year guaranteed for the next six years? Sound insane? Well then how ridiculous does it sound when a football player – who just received a free college education-- refuses to play in the NFL for tens of millions of dollars?

The Chargers are like a jilted lover ready to take a chance again, but Rivers isn’t committing because he’s too concerned about how much the other guys in the draft are making. Rivers apparently requires somewhere around 44 million dollars to play football, and has rejected a romantic pass of around 40 million. After the horrifying relationship with Ryan Leaf, San Diego is understandably wary about wasting tons of money on an untested first round QB that tends to hold the ball low and throws sidearm. Don’t get me wrong, Rivers is a good college player, but so were guys like Leaf, Dan McGwire, David Klinger, Rick Mirer, and Todd Marinovich.

It kills me to think about how much money Rivers actually needs to comfortably get by in that virtual hellhole called San Diego. I mean really, what a bitch it must be living out there with all that perfect sunny weather, beautiful beaches, and gorgeous women walking around. Hopefully he can find some modest living quarters – your basic twenty-room, eight-bath, six-garage mansion located in an exclusive gated community might only go for a paltry six or seven million dollars.

Rivers will also have to buy a new wardrobe to fill the walk-in closets and splurge on a fleet of sports cars to keep in the garages. Then there’s the limousine service, the kitchen staff and a grounds keeper. In addition to supporting his entire extended family, he’ll also be employing accountants, lawyers, and of course his thoughtful agent Jimmy Sexton. I guess that’s why he needs those extra couple million.

But honestly, you’d think Rivers would be more grateful for the opportunity to play in the NFL, but instead he’s just another delusional athlete who hasn’t even played a down yet wants more money than anyone possibly deserves. Plus the damage of holding out over a contract dispute is devastating. He’s missed weeks of vital training camp experience, and he’s severely disappointed the owner, coaches, teammates, and all the hopeful fans in San Diego. The Chargers are now scared that Rivers has got secret plans with some other floozy team that might be calling him.

Still, deep down Philip Rivers and the Chargers really do want a deep meaningful relationship together. I can see it now – a young rookie QB has an All Pro season helping a scorned franchise make it from worst to first. Aww gees Philip, I can’t stay mad at you. I’m willing to kiss and make up. C’mon just sign a contract and let’s get throwing.

And... I’m... Ready to take a chance again...

(Craig Curtice is a volunteer staff writer for 2 Walls Webzine who simply refuses to quarterback any NFL team for less than five hundred bucks a game.)