Eating Ourselves to Death (one french fry at a time)
January 2003
by Jason Thornberry

Fast food and health – not exactly a very musical phrase, is it? By that, I mean that you don't typically see these two things sharing the same sentence. Why is that exactly? You already know the answer.

Can you pinch an inch? I used to be able to manage it. Then I swore off all of that gross mess. More than half the reason such a disproportionate percentage of Americans are obese now (more than 20% in some areas) is because we keep Mickie Dee's, Taco Bell, or In-N-Out in mind when our stomach growls.

"Billions and Billions Served". Does that ring any bells? How much money have we thrown those guys to help enslave us in our own corpulence?

Hey – I love-love-love McDonald's French fries! Now I only eat them about every two months. I feel guilty usually too, so I have an Ab-Roller sit-up thingee in my apartment, and listen to music while doing about 6,000 reps.

Quite a bit of fast food has been consumed by yours truly, so I'm not trying to feign superiority. But I've given it up. So can you – easily.

For one, stop being lazy. It's really quite simple: cook. It's fun, and your gut will thank you in the long run as it diminishes, and eventually disappears. Abstinence from quick, cheap, and fatty foods isn't the entire answer. Obviously you'll need to exercise as well.

Fast food has become part of our heritage as Americans. We desire instant gratification for almost everything – certainly when it comes to what we consume. It's pretty understandable getting off work late at night, and not feeling like going home and cooking for forty minutes just to have something to eat. Burger King beckons, so we go.

I've done it! I used to work late, and the only thing open was an all-night taco stand just up the street. I'd pull in the drive-thru, and about four minutes later I had my dinner sorted out for the evening.

Eventually I started to look down whilst showering, and noticed that my stomach was growing, and I was becoming a skinny fat man: thin arms and legs, and a big ol' gut. I had to do something about it fast. So I just yanked the steering wheel the other way when I started to drift toward Carl's Junior or Baker's, or Wendy's, or any other place that'd put a greasy pile of deep fried excrement on the seat next to me for six bucks. It's expensive too. I wasted a lot of money on that stuff.

Cooking even the most extravagant thing at home (for one person) costs about four dollars, and I'll have at least a day's worth of leftovers.

Aside from helping you to be a fat bastard, fast food is also superbly high in cholesterol, and can cause high blood pressure, diabetes, and heart attacks.

I had a landlord once who almost lived off of burgers dripping with mayonnaise, fried Chicken armored in batter, gooey chili-cheese-fries, milkshakes, and tacos. This guy was prone to just about every cold or flu that came along too. He was a walking tower of mucous, and I took two chewable vitamin C tablets just in walking past his bedroom to leave the house!

I'm sure you're aware of the New York gentleman suing four different fast food companies at the moment. His liar (I mean 'lawyer') stated these corporations were "irresponsible and deceptive in the posting of their nutritional information", which allowed the client to become bloated. Walter Olson, of the Manhattan Institute was disgusted at the lawsuit. "Most people are aware that eating double cheeseburgers is not the same as eating celery," he said. "We all have appetites, but people have no trouble walking down the street and buying a different kind of food. They're not somehow forced to keep going back and Supersizing."

In December of 2001, then Surgeon General David Satcher declared obesity America's soon-to-be number one killer, and urged for there to be a healthier range of food available to consumers. We should all practice better self-control. Learn to prepare simple things at home. It can be fun sometimes, and doesn't take quite as long as you might think, once you get the hang of it. If you need further substantiation just stand naked in front of a mirror some time. That should do it.

(Jason Thornberry is a volunteer staff writer for 2 Walls Webzine)