Return of the Mullet
Business in the front, party In the back!
February 2003
by Jason Thornberry

Just when I thought it was safe to venture outside – the mullet has come again! Yes, three weeks ago I noticed on my school campus, five of them. These weren't just on the custodians either.

In case you don't know what a mullet is, take a good look at former country prodigy Billy Ray Cyrus, anyone in a butt rock band in the eighties, professional wrestlers and (especially) their fans, the audience of the Riki Lake or Jerry Springer show, the entire City of San Bernardino (Calif.), or just hit up your next local white-trash picnic on the way back from your favorite local diner.

Other names for this social phenomenon include, hockey hair, the SFLB (Short Front, Long Back), The Ape Drape, the femullet (just so you know that it's a non-discriminating hair-style, and chix are encouraged to have them too), the skirted egg shell or a skullet for the balding man who still enjoys a cold can of Pabst Blue Ribbon when he watches NASCAR, The Canadian Passport, and the king of them all – the Ultimullet! Action film-star Steven Segal would have had one if he ever let that robust, oily ponytail out, and piped in "Wang Dang Sweet Poontang" by Ted Nugent during scenes when he was pounding his foes into toothless, sweaty, oddly sexual oblivion.

The list goes on and on, and there's actually a great web-site called mulletsgalore.com with it's very own Mullet of The Week, and a crew of enthusiastic photographers scouring the land in search of these national treasures.

What I'm seeing more and more, especially at small local concerts, is the Ironic Mullet. This is when you try to act as though you're extra "indie" or "punk rock" by wearing, with pride, something the rest of us stares at in bewilderment.

Y'all have been warned!

(Jason Thornberry is a volunteer staff writer for 2 Walls Webzine)