Operation: Jacko
February 2003
by David Brown

We have finally found the smoking gun. The evidence is clear, and it is now time for action. I don't care what France says, a preemptive strike is necessary to save innocent lives. If the UN does not take action, the US government is prepared to act on its own to capture Michael Jackson and put him away for good. We all saw the tape on Thursday night, and it was far more damning than anything Colin Powell showed to the UN. Let's Roll!

Of course it won't be as easy as ambushing a coked up Daryl Strawberry at some ramshackle hotel in South Florida, or even a gun-toting, schizophrenic Phil Spector. Jackson does have significant security forces, many of which were trained by our own military and police forces. Furthermore, the terrain is expansive and difficult to navigate. We're talking about 3000 acres of mountainous ranch land. And he could have snipers and lookouts perched atop the various ferris wheels, tree houses and other amusements.

Another major concern is Jackson's ability to use his collection of exotic animals as soldiers and decoys. I don't think the global community would throw much of a fit over a bullet-riddled King of Pop at this point (save those wacky Germans). However, a dead elephant would likely violate numerous game and wildlife ordinances, not to mention send those tree-hugging Greenpeaceniks into a tizzy.

Jackson is likely to stop at nothing to save himself. The greatest fear is that he could use his beloved bevy of sick and underprivileged children as human shields. Jackson could begin recruiting them from around the world (video evidence suggests this has been going on since We Are the World). He could flood Neverland with them making it difficult for him to be found and rendering our weapons useless. Although if many of these children were of Arab descent we might be able to get away with a few casualties. Our only hope is that Jackson doesn't start recruiting white kids.

One type of non-conventional warfare could prove to be successful. Military sources have confirmed that they are developing a new technique known as "Reflective Combat." An elite force of Marines is being trained for a covert attack on Neverland. Each soldier will be equipped with a light-weight, full-length mirror. The hope is to corner Jackson forcing him to look at the grotesque science experiment gone awry that is his own face. Clearly nothing is so damaging to Jackson than his own appearance, and military officials are hopeful they can use it against him.

Another technique is being considered, but is a cause for controversy in the Pentagon. Taking a page from the siege of Panamanian dictator Manuel Noriega, several high ranking army officials want to use massive sound speakers to blast messages from Jackson's father. Disparaging comments about the star's appearance, dwindling career, and sexual confusion from his father could paralyze Jackson allowing forces to take him with little resistance. However, many in the Pentagon believe this could backfire, enraging Jackson to the point where he may develop super-human powers and simply fly away like Peter Pan.

Not since the Catholic clergy abuse scandal has there been such a clear and present danger to our nation's children. And given the fact that Jackson can afford to insulate himself from the real world with his millions, military action is the only option. Neverland is impervious to police, lawyers, federal marshals, and even Jermaine. But any effort to corral Jacko will require patience. No army has ever penetrated a fortress of fantasy, amusement, and millions of dollars in overpriced tchatchkas. Fortunately, ours is the best-equipped, best-prepared fighting force on the planet. Soon peace and order will be restored. Then we can get back to the business of haranguing low-grade celebrities like Corey Feldman and Arsenio Hall.


(David Brown is a volunteer staff writer for 2 Walls Webzine)