A Story About Socks
June 1, 2004
by Michael Walls

This is a story about socks. Now, I know what you’re thinking – “Ho boy...It’s official – Walls has run out of things to write about. He’s now writing about socks.”

No, I haven’t “lost it.” I’m writing about something all men have to deal with when it comes to socks, even if you’ve never thought about it, and hopefully will shed some light on one of the great mysteries of mens’ apparel.

Have you ever noticed the price of socks? I’m not talking about you’re typical white, re-enforced heal and toe, athletic socks. Although, those aren’t cheap either. No, I’m talking about business socks. I’m talking about a plain ol’ pair of thin black socks that we men need to wear beneath dress- or semi-dress shoes everyday to work.

The average cost for a pair of these socks is $5.99. Or, if you need to have some fancy designs on your socks like paisley and diamond patterns, you’ll pay upwards of $7.99 for a pair of socks. Eight bucks for a pair of socks!

And God forbid you should decide to buy some socks while you’re purchasing a new pair of shoes at one of those shoe stores in the mall. Shoe stores treat socks like a deli treats imported meats. Socks are like a specialty item, imported from Italy or Bolivia, and displayed in glass cases on the counter.

Christ – after paying $150 for a pair of Rockports, they should throw in 5 pairs of socks for free.

So, what’s the justification for such price gouging? I mean, it’s not like anyone is going to see your socks. Socks are practically invisible. The only time anyone sees your socks is when you’re in one of those meetings where you’re sitting in someone’s office, like you’re in the high school principal’s office. The person you’re meeting with gets to hide behind his or her big desk, while you sit in that utility chair, with your leg up on your other knee. This is the only time you reveal your socks (unless of course you wear high-water pants all the time). So why do we pay such high prices for these tubular pieces of footwear?

Recently I went out shopping. Like most men, I hate shopping – unless it’s for tools or sporting goods. But sometimes, we need to actually go to a mall or giant retail store and shop for those items that our wives (or girlfriends or mothers) just can’t seem to get right. These items include bathroom accessories, shoes, socks and underwear (which is another story for another time).

So I set aside an hour on a Sunday afternoon to hunt and gather these necessary items which I’ve been desperately needing for nearly six months. I figured Walmart would be my best bet, because Walmart has everything.

Well, Walmart is truly the places for undergarments. There’s an entire aisle for men’s underwear, as well as an aisle for men’s socks. After picking up a 5 pack of low-rise briefs (for $9.99), I head to the sock aisle and search for black dress socks. As usual, dress socks are twice as expensive as normal athletic socks. You can get an entire 10-pack of black or white or gray or white with gray, athletic socks for $7.99. But a two-pack of thin black dress socks is priced at $7.99. Disgusted, I grab a couple of packs and throw them in my wagon.

As I’m leaving the men’s department, I see a bargain bin over in the corner. I wander over and peruse the items on sale. In one bin I find a mountain of thin, black, dress socks – priced at $4.99 for a pack of five. Jackpot! I grab two packs. As far as I can tell, they looked exactly like the expensive pairs. Finally, I have found a reasonably-priced dress sock.

The other aspect of socks that most men hate, is trying to find a matching pair of socks in a drawer full of socks. I’m not sure how other men have solved this problem, but I’ve simplified the issue by only buying the same brand/style of socks for several years. For casual wear, I have all white socks (made by Champion), and for work wear I have all black socks. No brown, no paisley, no gray, no patterns – just black. And I try to keep them similar in texture and style.

So these new socks appear to fit the bill. Black, lightweight, same texture – $1 a pair. Perfect.

Monday morning I’m wearing my new “dollar socks” and feeling pretty good about myself. Like I’ve got a secret sock dealer that’s hooking me up. “Yo, check out my socks. One dollar, baby.” Yeah, life feels good when you beat the system.

Midway through the day, something doesn’t feel right. Like I left my keys in my car. Like I’ve got an itch I can’t scratch. Like I’m having déjà vu and amnesia at the same time. I finally realize – my feet feel funny. I take my shoes off and my socks are soaked. My feet are sweating like a son-of-bitch! What the...?

Cheap socks.

The next morning I’m fumbling through my sock drawer, in the dark, looking for a pair of my expensive socks. I grab two socks that feel similar and put them on. Midway through the day, I’m getting the same feeling, but this time it’s only on one foot. Damn... A mismatched pair of socks. The cheap sock isn’t breathing and causing my foot to sweat.

That night I went through my sock drawer and threw out all of my new $1 socks. Now I know why socks are priced they way they are. And the old phrase, “you get what you pay for,” now applies to socks.

(Michael Walls is a volunteer staff writer for 2 Walls Webzine and does not work for Walmart.)