Hey Baby, What's Your Sign?
February 12, 2005
by Brendon McCullin

February is the month of l’amour as that esteemed purveyor of romance Pepe LePew might say. Sweethearts hurry about making romantic plans and buying thoughtful gifts in anticipation of Valentine’s Day. The air is practically thick with the pheromones.

Ah, but what if there is no sweetheart in your life? What if you’ve been coasting along happily single only to find the biggest date night of the year is fast approaching and you have no date? Well, if you’re a guy chances are you do one of two things: happily count the money you won’t be spending and see what game is on February 14 or search high and low for a female just as desperate for a Valentine as you.

That, my friends, is normally where the trouble starts. Men, in particular men that don’t sport the looks of a Brad Pitt or George Clooney, are terrible at meeting women. If it weren’t for a female’s predisposition to find a mate for procreation lots and lots of men would spend lots and lots of time completely alone.

By and large the biggest issue that men have is that they don’t know what to say when first approaching a woman. It’s a fear that begins with that awkward first question in junior high – “Do you want to dance?” – and continues on for most men throughout adulthood. Bars and dance clubs have long been the meeting place for young singles primarily because most guys need a few drinks to become brave enough to say anything.

Unfortunately, say anything is normally what they do. Not too long ago, a buddy of mine was wearing a T-shirt that read, “I’ve lost my number, can I have yours?” It caused me to think of all of the stupid things that men have come up with to say in order to strike up a conversation – and hopefully more – with a member of the opposite sex. So, I went to some members of the fairer gender to find out what goofy pickup lines they’ve heard in their single lives. Thanks to that input, what follows is a look at some of the come-ons that real women have heard in real settings. Names have been withheld to protect, well, everybody.

Things To Say if You’re Really Good Looking or Want To Seem Cheesy

These are the standard lines that don’t take much thought, which is why it helps to be good looking. They include things like “Do you workout?,” “Haven’t we met before?,” “Your eyes are the most amazing color.” In Los Angeles or New York, there’s another group that can be modified for likely actresses that include lines like, “Were we in a play together?” or “Didn’t we do a commercial together?”

Of course, sometimes simplicity can pay off. As one young woman told me, " 'Can I buy you a beer?' works most often. It’s not very inventive, but then I like beer."

Say It With A Smile

There are a number of things that you can get away with as long as you make it clear from the beginning that you’re just joking. This is the sort of thing that was used frequently in the mid to late-90’s by guys riding the coattails of “Friends” character Joey Tribiani’s “How you doin’?” catchphrase.

“My brother has one,” one person told me, “He licks his thumb and wipes it on her and then licks it again and wipes it on him. Then he says, 'Why don’t we get go back to my place and get out of these wet clothes?' It’s been a good icebreaker for him getting dates.”

“One I used a lot in my early-20’s,” another guy told me, “Was “Didn’t we go to different schools together?”

There are others that can be used with humor – “Are you Jamaican? Because you’re Jamaican me crazy,” and “That’s a nice outfit. Will it wrinkle if it’s crumpled up next to my bed all night?” – just be sure not to forget the smile.

Things a Playa Would Say For $200, Alex

These are the lines that are typically trotted out by guys that have watched too many movies. They’re also frequently used after a guy has been well lubricated by his favorite potent potable as well. There’s too many to try to list, but a small sampling of the style would be:

“Did it hurt when you fell out of heaven?”

“Aren’t you tired from running through my dreams all night?”

“Is your dad an astronaut? Cause I can see the stars in your eyes.”

“Can I borrow your cell phone? I want to tell my mom I just met the girl of my dreams.”

Unless the woman has already spent a good deal of time enjoying her favorite alcoholic beverage these lines are normally met with a roll of the eyes. Unless, that is, you’re under 10.

“The best line I’ve heard was from my boyfriend’s 6-year-old brother,” a young woman relayed. “He walked up to me, gave me a little wink and said, “Hey baby, are you a library book? Cause I love checking you out.”

The Truly Awful

These normally come towards the end of the night when guys have had much too much to drink. They’re normally crass enough to give a woman thought of using physical violence. They include such winners as, “Is that a mirror in your pocket? Cause I can see myself in your pants,” “Why don’t you sit on my lap and we’ll talk about the first thing that pops up?,” and “Want to play Screen Door? Come back to my place and I’ll bang you all night.”

“I was at a bar,” one woman said. “And a friend of a friend asked me if I had farted because I just blew him away.”

“The absolute worst I’ve heard,” another mentioned. “Was a guy said, 'If you were a booger, I’d pick you first.'"

Despite the low success rate, guys will continue to try out different opening lines for as long as there are women. After all, you’ve got to say something, right? The women that I talked to all mostly agreed that the only times that a line worked on them was when they knew the guy was kidding or being ironic...or if the guy was just really hot. For most though, keep things light and maybe you’ll actually get a date.

Of course, if none of these lines appeal to you, you might try going with what remains the best icebreaker in the English language: “Hi, my name is...”

(Brendon McCullin is a volunteer staff writer for 2 Walls Webzine)