( 1:45 AM )
Orange Bowl Roundup or Things I hated about the Orange Bowl
1. Blowout. As someone who doesn’t watch a ton of college football and has no real rooting interests, I was hoping for a close game. My hopes were dashed after the 1st quarter.
2. John Saunders. Before the game, Saunders basically guaranteed that this would be a close game. What a fool. Of course most people expected a close game. But don’t be stupid enough to talk about it like it’s a foregone conclusion. You can never predict what happens in these games because the teams don’t play each other during the season. That’s sort of the whole point of these bowl games, isn’t it?
3. ABC’s increasingly obnoxious overproduction of football telecasts. This is getting out of control, with the graphics, and the rock ‘n’ roll and the kicking and the biting and the screaming. I know I sound like an old man, but they need to tone this shit down. Just because you can design a graphic that features an animated Reggie Bush snapping a leg in half at the ankle doesn’t mean you have to show it, which is precisely what they did in the 2nd half. It was supposed to represent his ability to fake out defenders, thus breaking their ankles. It looked like something you’d see on the Simpsons. Great Tivo moment.
The fact that college football has its own championship game has become an excuse for ABC to turn it into the Super Bowl, complete with the obligatory ridiculous halftime show (more on that later). Everything has got to be over the top. Early in the game they put up a graphic comparing the stats of the two QBs. In the background, viewers were blinded by roving spotlights, confetti, and bright flashes of light meant to simulate either fireworks, lightning, flash bulbs, a strobe light, or a bad reaction to laser eye surgery. I couldn't read the graphic and had to avert my eyes for fear of seizure.
The other annoying trend ABC has developed this year is another in the network’s continuing attempt to act cool in order to appeal to the kids. Right before the beginning of the 2nd half, they play a video by some “cool” rock group (usually U2, Tom Petty or some other band that is too middle of the road to attract anybody that ain’t already watching). They also intersperse highlights from the 1st half into the video. It’s awful. This is along the lines of ESPN’s “The Ultimate Highlight” which they run on every Sunday night Sportscenter in lieu of what used to be the "Plays of the Week."
Can we please keep sports and music separate? Kids who are heavily into music are probably not that into sports, and vice versa. You’re just annoying the rest of us. I love music, and I love sports, but I really prefer only one at a time. Unless Marv Albert is doing his wild and wacky schtick on Letterman with his blooper reel and that goofy 1920s sounding music. That’s gold!
4. The Halftime Show. Even if everything goes swimmingly, the halftime show is a train wreck. This particular one was a disaster from the start. The sound was completely screwed up. Kelly Clarkson’s mic was off for the first several lines she sang. And when they finally turned it on, she obviously couldn’t hear herself. Perhaps this was all a ruse to show that she was actually singing.
Which brings us to Ashlee Simpson. She was clearly singing, and perhaps she couldn’t hear herself either. She sounded awful, singing slightly out of time and off key with the backing vocal track that was piped in. The crowd booed appropriately after her performance. Actually, I’m becoming a bigger fan of the halftime show. It’s getting to be must see TV. You know it’s going to be so awful that you can’t turn away.
[My favorite halftime show debacle took place in Pittsburgh’s Heinz Field a few years ago. The Steelers were playing the Browns in a playoff game and were heavy favorites going into the game (if I remember correctly). But Cleveland smacked the Steelers around in the first half and had a big lead at halftime. The Pittsburgh crowd was feeling pretty cranky when Sheryl Crow was announced as the halftime entertainment.
“How’s everybody feeling on this sunny day?!?!?” Crow inexplicably shouted. She’s lucky the fans didn’t rush the stage and choke her with a Terrible Towel. First of all, it may have been sunny, but it was freezing cold—it was Pittsburgh in January! And the hometown Steelers were getting their asses handed to them by an inferior team. Maybe that wasn’t the best time to promote your latest single, Sheryl.]
5. The ABC/Disney/ESPN relationship. These groups are all a little to cozy with each other, their advertisers, and the BCS. First of all, ESPN/ABC’s college football analysts are hesitant to criticize the BCS, even though it is a deeply flawed system. Actually, it’s a complete joke. But John Saunders, Terry Bowden, Trev Alberts and the rest of them are too busy talking about how the Sooners are too good for USC to even bother mentioning how Auburn went undefeated in the country’s toughest conference and won its bowl game and is as deserving of the national championship as anyone. I'm not much of a conspiracy theorist, but I really think the powers that be at ABC/ESPN have cautioned these guys about criticizing the BCS since they are the ones with the broadcast rights.
Second, ESPN anchors appeared in ads for Ford and another car company that ran during the pregame show. This makes me uncomfortable. It’s not a big deal, but I really don’t think journalists should be doing this. I know it’s just sports journalism, but come on. Have some self-respect.
And speaking of slimy advertising, Disney got in on the act by putting Mickey Mouse on the sideline at the game while the announcers hyped a major announcement from Disney later in the night. The exciting news was that they gave a bunch of people who were at the game free admission to Disney World. Wow.
6. The ADT trophy. This is the championship trophy of college football and has been sponsored by three different companies in the last three years. But that’s not what bothers me. It’s a small crystal football, way too fragile for a bunch of hyped up football goons to be handling. I want a trophy that everyone can grab and pull on and toss around—not one that has to be cradled and gently passed like an infant.
7. The Oklahoma band. Oklahoma has a short, annoying fight song. And the band plays it every time the Sooners gain a yard. I’m not kidding. A three yard run up the middle was reason enough for them to play it. At one point the band continued playing it even as the play that prompted it was being called back because of a penalty.
8. Auburn and Utah get the shaft. I watched the entire game, and I saw how dominant USC was. But it still makes me crazy to hear all the so-called experts go on and on about how USC is clearly better than Auburn (they didn’t even mention undefeated Utah) and clearly deserved the national championship. These were the same dolts that all picked Oklahoma to win the game. They were all wrong about that, yet they have no problem stating without hesitance that USC would beat Auburn. Isn’t that why they play the game? In fact, it is—just not in college football.
One thing I liked about the Orange Bowl
Lynn Swann. He’s the best sideline reporter in the business. He actually lends insight that can only be gained on the field by a former player. ABC gives him carte blanche to interrupt the guys in the booth if he’s got something to say, and it works. Sure, occasionally he breaks in when it’s really not necessary. But he always gets the story on injuries and other things that are going on down on the field that the guys in the booth miss.
I have no idea why he doesn’t do this for the Monday Night games. All Michelle Tafoya does is talk about how she visited with this coach or that player earlier in the day and what a special guy he is. "I got to spend some time with Marvin Harrison today, Al and John." No shit. It's your job. She makes it sound like she ran into him in the drug store and they ended up going out for drinks. She lends nothing to the broadcast and is completely expendable. Same goes for Suzy Kolber on ESPN and most of the other sideline reporters for CBS and Fox.
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( 1:41 AM )
Has anyone else noticed how Chris Berman looks different on ABC than he does when he's on ESPN? He always looks slightly less bloated on ABC, and his combover is a little slicker. I think they have a better hair person at the ABC studio in Times Square. And they must either have a girdle or a camera that makes him look thinner. Well, not thinner, just not as fat.
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( 1:34 AM )
Names my wife mistakenly called Modest Mouse after seeing them on The O.C.
1. Ratdogs
2. Monkeybone
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( 11:54 PM )
This Week in Embarrassingly Bad Music Publicity
I’m not out to take shots at other people’s music here, but I can’t resist taking shots at some of the promotional materials I get with CDs that are sent to me for review. So the artist will remain nameless. Instead, think of this as a part-time, amateur music critic’s advice about how not to get your album listened to.
Here’s the descriptive headline that ran under the artist and album title on the PR sheet that accompanied a CD I received in the mail today:
“An eclectic series of autobiographical pop narratives about love, loss and longing.”
Guess what? You just lost me. First of all, most rock songs are about love, loss and longing. This doesn’t make the album unique. It would be unique if it were about citrus fruit, sheet metal and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.
And second, calling it autobiographical makes me even less inclined to listen. If a songwriter is writing about love, loss and longing, of course it’s based on his or her own experience (unless it’s a rock opera about Sylvia Plath). By inserting the word autobiographical in there, we’re supposed to think this is worth listening to because it’s the artist’s love, loss and longing. The problem is that I never heard of this guy, I don’t have the slightest idea who he is, and I’m not sure why his problems are any more important than mine other than the fact that he committed his to a 5-inch plastic disc for my listening pleasure.
This particular album’s promotional sheet also touts the artist’s “knack for writing Beatlesque pop hooks.” No musician should ever compare himself to the Beatles in any way shape or form. It’s presumptuous and ridiculous. Furthermore, don’t bother citing the Beatles as an influence. If you’re recording pop/rock music, you’ve been influenced by the Beatles. We all understand that. In fact, don’t mention Dylan either. You’re only setting the listener up for disappointment. Pick obscure or bizarre influences, like The Strawberry Alarm Clock, Cecil Taylor, or Rat Fratkins and the Blue Brew Crew. That’s instant credibility.
Keep in mind, I have not yet listened to the music of this artist. This is solely a critique of the album’s promotional materials. As far as I know, this guy could be the next George Gershwin, Willie Dixon or Rat Fratkins.
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A Dog Walker's Guide to Washington
When I walk my dog in my Dupont Circle neighborhood, I am consistently on the lookout for people and dogs to avoid. I am a reclusive person by nature; I don’t like to meet and greet others while I’m trying to get my dog take a crap against one square foot of weeds sticking out from a flower box on the corner of !9th and S Streets. I generally keep my head down, refusing to make eye contact and paying more attention to the gait of my pug than whatever annoying jerk might be approaching me with a high-strung terrier yelping and strangling himself at the end of a leash.
Actually, most of the folks wandering around my neighborhood at any given time are not that intrusive, nor are their dogs. But there are a few things to watch out for, particularly when you are walking a pug—a dog that seems to attract a relatively high amount of attention compared to your standard lab or beagle. Here’s who Norman and I are trying to avoid on our daily meanderings.
The Drunks
On Friday and Saturday nights there is a steady stream of drunk people walking down my street, moving between restaurants, bars, the Metro, karaoke parties and gang bangs. They are loud, they are obnoxious, and they are my worst nightmare. Inevitably a couple of the ladies make a big deal about Norman (useless to a married guy like me). Actually Norman loves drunk chicks because they are the most affectionate, getting right down to let him kiss their makeup-caked faces and shed white hair all over their black tube tobs. Me, I just don’t like talking to drunk people when I’m stone-cold sober.
Crazy Homeless Guys
Keep in mind that this group is differentiated from Just Homeless Guys, who I have no problem with and don’t mind letting Norman say hello to. It’s the CRAZY ones I avoid. These are the guys with the thousand-yard stare who mutter to themselves—actually they are usually shouting rather than muttering—and send everybody headed to the other side of the street. The really crazy ones walk right down the middle of the street, sending waves of confusion down the sidewalks on everyone doubles their effort not to make eye contact. These guys are always worth avoiding regardless of whether or not you’re walking a dog.
Old Ladies with Tiny Dogs
The dogs are usually annoyingly yappy or so decrepit they can barely stand and breathe at the same time. Same goes for the old ladies. Best to steer clear.
Big Scary Dogs
If you see a guy walking an unneutered pit bull with the head the size of a cinder block on a 30-pound steel chain, cross the street. Fortunately, this is a rarity in my neighborhood. The only dog around here that makes me nervous is a Doberman owned by an old man around the corner. The guy is at least 80, weighs no more than 120 pounds and looks like he could no more control that dog than climb Everest barefoot. And the dog is BIG. No way I’m walking my 20 pound dog near that monster with Mr. Burns holding the leash.
Dogs Who Look Perfectly Normal But Whose Owners Look Shifty or Mentally Unstable
First, a word about doggy protocol in my neighborhood. When approaching another dog/owner, the norm is to stop briefly and let the dogs say hello, unless one of the dogs is really barking and carrying on. Then it’s acceptable to rein your dog in and keep moving. (It’s also OK to keep walking if both owners can give off and read the vibe that says, “You know what? I’m just not in the mood for this right now, so let’s call off the meet and greet and keep moving.” I’m pretty good at orchestrating this maneuver). Now, every once in a while, I see a person approaching with a dog that looks completely benign. I start preparing for the meet and greet, but then I get a good look at the owner, and there’s something about him or her that just ain’t right. Maybe it’s 10 degrees out and he’s not wearing a coat. Or maybe she’s stopping at random intervals and staring into houses for uncomfortably long periods of time. Or maybe it’s just some dude who’s cross-eyed. It’s best to just cut into an alley and not take the chance.
The Overaffectionate Dog Lover
Perfectly harmless, just annoying. Anyone that shows more love for my dog on the street than I genuinely have for him makes me uncomfortable.
Kids With Sticks
Kids love to poke things with sticks. Avoid them and your dog will thank you.
Any Rough-Looking Terriers or Scroungy Mutts That Are Growling, Barking and Pulling Because They Want To Rip My Dog Apart
Just common sense to avoid these fuckers.
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