( 10:28 PM )
5/31/05
Not that deep
Our long national nightmare is over. We finally know the true identity of Deep Throat. Unfortunately, I had Richard Dawson in the office pool. I still think he had something to do with it. Just watch those old episodes of “Family Feud” and tell me he didn’t look like a man who could topple a president.
How did the Washington Post blow this one? They had three of the only four people in the world who knew who Deep Throat was, and they still got scooped by Vanity Fair. How embarrassing! Woodward and Bernstein must be fuming. That’s like the Weather Channel solving the Kennedy assassination.
This just in: Time Magazine is reporting that Tom Shales hated “Night Court.”
My favorite part of this story is the backslapping among journalists and experts: “Of course we knew Mark Felt was Deep Throat. It’s been widely assumed for years that he was the guy.” Really? Let’s go down the list folks about the whom the media has speculated: Diane Sawyer, Pat Buchanan, Alexander Haig, William Rehnquist, Ben Stein (Bueller?), George Bush (Big George), Hal Holbrooke, Linda Lovelace, and the guy who played Fredo in “The Godfather.”
Journalism students at the University of Illinois spent four years investigating Deep Throat and determined it was Fred Fielding. I don’t know who that is, but I think in addition to being a member of Congress, he played Gopher on “Love Boat.”
Woodward and Bernstein are keeping their mouths shut right now about DT’s true identity. That’s more than Bernstein’s son could do. Apparently he let the cat out of the bag to a friend years ago. Damn those teenagers!
Son: “I’m going down to Mickey’s house, Dad.”
Dad: “Alright, son. Just be careful. Don’t stay out too late, no drinking and driving, and don’t give up Daddy’s confidential sources to your friends.”
Son: “Aw geez, Dad. You’re every bit the jerk that Mom portrayed you as in ‘Heartburn.’
Now that Deep Throat’s identity has been revealed, Washingtonians can focus on other unsolved mysteries…
-How did a gay escort get into the White House press corps?
-Why is it so hard to find really good pizza in the District?
-Why is Brad Wilkerson hitting leadoff for the Nats? He strikes out too much and has middle-of-the-lineup power. Why?!?!
-Is there an elevator anywhere within the Metro system that doesn’t smell like a urinal?
-Why didn’t Tom Shales like “Night Court?”
-Why are parking enforcement officers so damn friendly and generous?
-Whatever happened to Compliment Man? (Dupont Circle regulars, you know who I’m talking about.)
-Why would anyone ever water-ski on the Potomac? I've seen people try this. It's disgusting
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