( 10:40 PM )
Dear Adoring Public:
Due to the unprecedented number of responses I’ve received about the intriguing “Dear Lisa” letters, perhaps it’s time to address a few burning questions about Kristin & Lisa.
Like one reader said, "Those girls are fucking idiots," except that's not really a question. Others wondered, “Are these letters for real?” “Where’s McKinley Hall?” “Are they both hot?” “Does Kristen ever write back to Lisa? “Are they lovers?” “Enemies? It goes on and on.
Truth is, I know absolutely nothing about them. I merely reprint their insanely stupefying, drivel-filled compositions left behind on the grounds of historic McKinley Hall. Here’s another recent gem.
The following handwritten letter was discovered on the noble steps of McKinley Hall:
Dear Lisa,
Aloha from Amish camp! We’re not allowed to have any fun here, but I’ve learned to smooth hard wood, wax up slick poles, and I've honed my wrist-action technique churning out man butter. You know—the guys here are great erectors and they like fresh cheese. Wait, what are you thinking? Anyway, I had a conversation with some talking sheep and apparently I have reverse ESP, which means that I know about things well after they’ve already happened. It’s pretty darn amazing if you don’t think about it. Hey is it true that you can kill two stones with one bird? Or disguise shark attacks as forest fires? Maybe stalk corn stalks?
Mennonites don’t need no stinkin’ deodorant,
Kristin
Song of the Day:
“Dragonaut” Sleep 1993
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( 9:52 PM )
The following handwritten letter recently appeared on the grounds of McKinley Hall:
Dear Lisa,
Damn, why was I thinking the 4th of July was going to be on the 5th this year? Did you know that you can synch-up Pink Floyd’s album Dark Side of the Moon with the movie Dude, Where’s My Car? Hey I mistakenly used negative 45 SPF sunscreen at the beach last week and my delicate ivory skin cooked like radioactive bacon. My doctor says I’m the first human ever to receive fourth degree burns, but says my hearing is still 20/20. I’m pretty sure that’s what I heard. Oh yeah, it’s maybe possible that I tossed your ipod off the top of the municipalities building while trying to escape angry dwarfs. I tell ya—never ever smother Nutter Butter peanut butter on another brother from down under.
Baffled as I Wanna Be,
Kristin
Song of the Day:
“The Corner” Common 2005
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