( 10:08 AM )
You'll excuse the lack of originality, but I ran across the below piece that I wrote in the spring of 2004 for a defunct website and much like the guy that can't make it through his own joke without laughing, I decided that I'm amused enough with myself to want to share. So here you go:
"I don’t mention it all that often but I am a Hollywood insider. I’ve worked for major movie studios. I’ve written, acted and directed – even though what I really want to do is produce. I’ve hung out with the beautiful people and can tell you which ones need lots of help with that beautiful look. Just like the Philip Seymour Hoffman character in “Boogie Nights,” I’m right there on the front line soaking it all in.
As such, I’m sometimes privy to information that others aren’t, something that dawned on me this week as I watched the broadcast television networks announce their new fall lineups. I’m sure that a lot of people know that for every new show that the networks put on their schedule there’s another ten shows that were under consideration that didn’t make the cut. That’s in addition to the hundreds of pitches for new shows that the studios entertain every year.
We all know that sports have been a source for story ideas and talent for just about as long as Hollywood’s been around. Sports fans and writers wouldn’t know what to do if they couldn’t quote lines from everything from “Pride of the Yankees” to “Caddyshack” to “The Longest Yard” to “The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh.” And where would Hollywood be without the contributions of athletes turned actors like Johnny Weissmuller, Jim Brown, O.J. Simpson, and Shaquille O’Neal?
What’s not widely known is that there were a number of television pilots shot this year that had ties to the sports world. Now, normally a pilot that doesn’t get picked up by a network is treated about the same way as Phil Jackson’s famous gift books to his players – ignored and discarded. However, I thought it might be worth a look to see what might have been, so below are some of the show ideas that you won’t be seeing on your TV screens this fall:
Grateful Dad: Sitcom about a young basketball player whose career is cut short by a chronic hangnail problem, forcing him to live in a teepee with his loud mouth, eccentric father. Starring Luke and Bill Walton.
The Rocket: Made by the folks that brought you “Walker Texas Ranger” this pilot was shot during Roger Clemens’ two week retirement. Clemens plays a former baseball player turned detective who’s undergoing a midlife crisis, spars with his new young partner, and occasionally brings down fleeing perps with the help of his lucky baseball.
Ruffin’ It: Yet another reality show premise. This one would’ve taken a group of professional athletes and stranded them on an island with no entourages, strip clubs, or, worst of all, cell phones. Each week contestants would compete for the right to be rescued from the island by their private jet.
Like Glue: Produced by Will Smith and based on Sacramento Kings guard Doug Christie, this sitcom follows the exploits of a henpecked professional basketball player who’s world revolves around his wife…whether he likes it or not.
The Shaq and Kobe Superstar Hour: Quickly shot on the heels of the stunning success of “The Nick & Jessica Variety Hour,” this variety show concept stars the Lakers bickering twosome, along with the talents of Sid & Marty Krofft, in an hour of skits, singing and dancing. The pilot’s segments included Shaq trading rhymes with the Wu Tang Clan and Kobe ordering his bodyguards to read his cue cards for him. With guest appearances by Jack Nicholson, the Smothers Brothers and Shecky Greene.
The Rickey: Still under consideration by HBO, this reality show would follow Rickey Henderson through a minor league season as he tries for just one more chance at the big leagues, while his new young teammates try to figure out what the hell he’s talking about.
Los Gemelos: Set against the sexy backdrop of Miami’s South Beach, this drama stars Jose and Ozzie Conseco in a story about a drug kingpin and his twin brother, a DEA agent charged with bringing him down. Interestingly, the pilot was shot entirely in Jose’s backyard to comply with house arrest restrictions.
CIU (Compliance Investigations Unit): Compelling drama, with stories ripped from the headlines, about a team of NCAA investigators who travel from campus to campus checking for possible compliance violations of university sports programs. William H. Macy and Mario Lopez headline the ensemble cast.
Now and Zen: Produced by Jeannie Buss and starring Ken Howard (“The White Shadow”). A philosophical former basketball coach travels across the country on his Harley, stopping to assist people with their problems and helping them gain inner peace.
Finally, while not up for a spot on any of the network’s schedules, there is a talk show being pitched around the syndication market starring Lakers’ forward Rick Fox and his wife Vanessa Williams. “At Home with Rick and Nessa” would feature discussions of issues facing the modern family, with topics such as “How Many SUV’s Are Enough?”, “How to Throw the Perfect Charity Gala”, and “Private School vs. Boarding School: Which Is Best For Your Child?”.
Sadly, with schedules along with midseason replacements pretty much set, it looks as though all of these pilots have already been forgotten by the crass Hollywood machine, just like so many that have gone before them. Thankfully, just like in sports, there’s always next year – and I’ve got my pitch for a reworking of the old HBO hit “1st and Ten” all ready to go as soon as my agent gets me that meeting."
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4 comments
( 8:10 AM )
Do you ever see those women with children that look as though they're just barely holding on to their sanity? Like at any point they might come unglued and be taken away for a little vacation at a psych ward? Well, try to show a little compassion. What I've learned in my time as a father is that it takes a special kind of mental toughness to be a parent.
This, by the way, has nothing to do with misbehaving children. Those people on that Super Nanny or Nanny 911 or whatever that show is most likely have only themselves to blame for the behaviour of their children. No, what I'm talking about is the damage caused by one seemingly innocent word...repitition.
For the uninitiated, let me explain with a little example. On Thursday, my son received the DVD of the movie "Madagascar." I had taken him to see it in the theater, he has some of the toys and it was a belated birthday present. The DVD entered our home around 7:30 p.m. that night and to present, this now being Sunday morning, my son has watched the movie about 9 times and would've watched it even more if we'd have let him. As a matter of fact, he's watching it right now as my wife tries to wake up. And this isn't an isolated incident. We've gone through the same thing with "The Incredibles," "Lilo & Stitch," "Monsters Inc.," "Toy Story 1 & 2," and probably a couple of others that I've blocked out. At this point, I've just about got every line of dialogue from every Pixar movie memorized.
It goes beyond just movies and TV. My son will latch onto a game that he likes and want to play it nonstop for days or weeks at a time. There was the fun phase where he liked to pretend that he was the Big Bad Wolf and walked around trying to blow everyone over (we had to keep explaining why our son was huffing and puffing at them).
Same thing goes for music. There's a singer named Laurie Berkner that does children's music and appears on Noggin, the kid's cable channel. Her music isn't bad, in fact, some of her songs wouldn't be out of place on the kinds of CD's that I've reviewed for 2Walls. But now that my son has a couple of her CD's it's just about the only thing we're able to listen to during car rides. I can't listen to the same Beatles CD every day without it getting old fast, so how do you think a daily dose of "Froggy Went A-Courtin'" goes over?
It's enough to drive someone that isn't expecting it insane. Luckily, I have nieces that aren't much younger than me and I remember what they were like. One of them spent an entire summer watching a continuous loop of the Goldie Hawn-Kurt Russell movie "Overboard." Close exposure to that will prepare you for just about anything.
So, next time you see that young harried mother in the store that looks like she's about to lose it, don't judge her too harshly. Just give her a friendly smile, a wide berth, and push your cart away humming the new tune you heard at the club last night, thankful that it's not you.
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0 comments
( 10:20 AM )
I wanted to wait a respectful amount of time before I wrote this, even though I've been thinking it for a while now...and a month after the Chicago White Sox won the World Series seems like enough time. After being in Chicago most of the time for the last few months -- and listening to Chicago sports talk radio even when I'm not -- I would just like to state for the record that I find Chicago sports fans to be the most annoying lot that I've ever run across. And I know from annoying sports fans having grown up around Philadelphia.
It's hard to be whiny, arrogant and paranoid all at the same time but the Chicago fans manage the feat on a much more consistent basis than their brethren in Philly, Boston or New York. Take the White Sox run to the World Series...people did so many about faces regarding the team during the season and playoffs you could put a HMO out of business with whiplash claims. They were the biggest choke artists ever and probably wouldn't win another game one minute and the next they were the best team in the history of baseball, easily surpassing the '27 Yankees. Before the season began the Bears faithful were torn between worrying if their team would even win a game and writing angry letters to any sports publication that dared pick them for last. Now that the team has made the most of a weak schedule and is in first place in their division...well, now it's hard to see how they're ever going to lose a game. The best part is that the same attitude permeates the media in Chicago. All of the columnist tend to write daily variations on the same theme. And if there's a city with more 'homer' sports announcers doing local broadcasts, I have yet to go there.
Don't get me wrong, all sports fans are like that to some degree. The difference is that in other cities, at least some of the time, there's some level of perspective. Sure it's lacking with say, Yankees and Red Sox fans or Eagles and Cowboys fans, but it's there with other sports. There's almost none of that in Chicago. Everything is either the best ever or the worst ever. Back in the early '90's when Saturday Night Live used to do their "Da Bears" skit, I thought it was funny just like everyone else. I just didn't have any idea just how true a representation of Chicago sports fans it was. All you have to do is ride the "L" prior to any game in town and you're sure to hear conversations eerily similar to the SNL dialogue.
Chicago's still a great city, it's just not the best place to sit around talking sports with the locals. Well, unless you're able to really concentrate hard on your hot dog or braut and ignore them. I may find the sports fans annoying but I'll be damned if I'll say anything bad about the Windy City's way with sausage-type products.
On a side note, I did take my 3-year-old son to the White Sox ticker tape parade. I might think that master of ceremonies Hawk Harrelson is the most obnoxious broadcaster in the country now that Johhny Most has past and Myron Cope has retired, and the Steve Perry appearance can only be described as brutal, but how often do you get to take your son to World Series ticker tape parade in Chicago? He probably won't remember it but it's a guarantee that I will.
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( 7:32 AM )
I'm not a violent person and despite my own beliefs, I actually tend to be more bemused by politics than anything else. I mean, let's face it, most politicians are given to self-serving theatrics and are more interested in their own self interest than the common good. Taking what they say too seriously is giving them more credibility than they really deserve.
That said, every time that I hear Vice President Dick Cheney trot out the administrations mantra that questioning the actions of their administration and their motives is both un-American and means that you don't support the people in our armed forces...well, I want to punch him. Much like I'm sure that I would've wanted to punch Joe McCarthy and Richard Nixon during their Red-baiting heyday. To suggest that it's un-American to question a government that is at least circumstantially corrupt and that repeatedly fails to act in the best interest of it's people is so asinine that it makes my head almost explode. It's the very principle that our country was founded on! If the British crown hadn't exploited its power and driven our Founding Fathers to action we'd basically be Canada now. Questioning the actions of our government is not only the right of every American...it's our responsibility. To begrudge that right, to me, is more un-American than any criticism could ever be.
My wife is a former military officer who still has plenty of friends serving. Do I pray for their safety while also wanting to know who in the current White House lied about what and when? Absolutely. The two things are only related in the minds of the people who are selling the lies and the people that are buying into them.
Someday, hopefully after the next Presidential election, I'll be able to turn on CNN without flying into a rage. It's just not good for my heart, people.
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