( 4:05 PM )
FIFA World Cup
I've got a giant plasma TV directly in front of my desk at work. Usually it's tuned to CNN or MSNBC, but this month it's "FIFA all day, every day". (Too many European's in the office. I'm going to scream "equal time" come baseball playoffs.)
Anyway, I've watched more soccer in the past 2 weeks then I have in my whole life. I've come to a couple of conclusions:
1. Soccer is the most athletic sport on the planet
2. Soccer is too difficult
3. Soccer is too polite
I'm really impressed with how athletic these players are. It is non-stop running and jumping and kicking and falling down. The field is huge – and the effort to just run up and down the field once at full speed would probably kill any baseball, football or basketball player (with the exception of a couple of football wide receivers). Yet these soccer players run it for 90 minutes.
But that's the problem. This game is too difficult. There's not enough scoring. Seeing a goal scored in soccer in real-time is like seeing a shooting star. The moment you look away, someone finally scores. You're forced to watch the replay 50 times, because the network is dying for something to highlight. To watch a game for 90 minutes and only see (or see it in replay) 1 goal is really disappointing.
Every soccer game I've seen is like this unbelievable pitchers' duel in baseball. It's very exciting and suspenseful, and as it gets closer to the end, the pressure to score is unbearable. But ultimately, pitchers' duels are boring. A pitchers' duel every blue moon is cool, but in the large scope of things people like scoring. They like homeruns and triples and stolen bases and plays-at-the-plate. Soccer needs more scoring.
I think soccer could benefit from an Arena Football-like makeover. Here's how:
1. Make the field smaller, it's way too big. Guys are exhausted by the time they get down the field, they barely have the energy to kick the ball into the goal.
2. Have less guys on the field. There's way too many guys running around. This is why no one can score. People keep getting in the way.
3. Maybe even get rid of the goalie. He just gets in the way. Basketball thrives without a single guy guarding the net. Just make it everyone's responsibility to guard the net whenever the ball is on your side of the field.
4. Run the clock backwards like everybody else. It's kind of distracting to look at the clock and see 20 minutes and not think there is only 20 minutes left in the game.
5. Stop with all the politeness. This is a sport - not a cocktail party. If a guy gives you an elbow in the face, don't let me catch you helping him up off the ground later in the game. Get your posse together and make sure he remembers to keep his elbows to himself next time with a good ol' fashion group tackle.
6. Lose the shiny shirts. I don't know how this will make soccer better, I just find all the shiny shirts really distracting.
Apologies to hardcore soccer fans. If you like, you're welcome to stop by my desk and blow a whistle and raise a red card over my head.
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