( 1:32 PM )
Fighting crime, seniors style
Unedited column from the September 26 issue of the Current...
There’s been a lot of talk about D.C.’s use of surveillance cameras to deter crime around the city. Apparently, in most cases cameras aren’t terribly effective at preventing serious crimes. Banks and convenient stores have had cameras for decades, yet it seems like somebody’s knocking over a Chevy Chase Bank or 7-11 every night in this area.
The hope is that cameras will not only deter criminals but can be used to identify and prosecute them when they’re misdeeds are recorded. Cities like Baltimore have tried this approach and had little luck reducing violent crime. Anyone who watches “The Wire” knows Baltimore is the scariest place on the East Coast.
But according to an article in The Washington Times last month, Baltimore’s cameras were helpful in reducing what are called “quality-of-life” crimes. While violent crime may have been the impetus for the installation of the cameras in D.C., surely they can be used to reduce those lesser transgressions that frustrate the average city-dweller on a regular basis, like you jerks who don’t clean up after your dog.
Certainly District police have better things to do than monitor security cameras around the clock for such seemingly trivial infractions. So what’s the solution? Senior citizens. That’s right, the Geezer Squad. Old people love to police their neighborhoods and enforce rules. That’s why so many of them move to gated communities with 37 different bylaws governing lawn appearance.
So let’s hire a crack squad of elderly people to monitor the surveillance cameras 24 hours a day. You can probably get away with paying them next to nothing. The police department will only have to provide four things:
-An official-looking police hat and windbreaker. Old folks love free stuff.
-Lots of fresh coffee to keep them awake. Of course, they’ll have to work in two-person teams because they’ll be spending half of their time in the bathroom.
-Encase all monitors and equipment in glass. Otherwise they’re liable to spend two hours trying to crank up the volume or figuring out how to change the channel to Matlock.
-And finally, big screens. REALLY big screens.
Of course, the Geezer Squad can keep an eye out for the obvious felonies while they’re watching for quality-of-life crimes. But mostly they’re going to be cracking down on the small stuff. Nevertheless, I recommend giving them a headset and an open link to the main police dispatch board. Here are some potential calls that would improve any neighborhood…
-Golden Girl 33 to Mission Control. At the corner of Connecticut and R, we have a young man, white, mid-thirties, walking a large Rottweiler. The dog just dropped a load in front of the Scientology building and owner did not scoop. Repeat, owner did NOT scoop. He’s headed north on 20th. Request officers, animal control and hazardous waste team immediately.
-Mission Control, this is Geezer Squad Alpha, monitoring camera 13A. Corner of 17th and U Streets, we’ve got a Flyer-Dropper, mid-20s Oriental…what’s that? I’m sorry, Asian male, putting what appear to be restaurant menus on car windshields. He’s peppering the entire street. Squad 43-Niner picked him up on their camera a half hour ago. Send a squad car over—wow, that’s a nice Cadillac—send a squad car immediately.
-Geezer Squad Delta to Mission Control. Come in, Mission Control. This is Rudy. Is this thing working? Hello? Yes, this is Rudy McCarthy. I’m watching this here camera on the corner of…let’s see…the corner of 18th and J Streets. No, wait, 18th and T Street…Yep, that’s it. Anyway, this is Rudy, and there’s this feller, a real grimy looking guy, and he’s stuffing a big plastic bag of trash into one of the public trash cans. Now I know he’s one of those cheapskates that don’t want to pay for garbage pickup so he’s just using the city’s cans like they’re his own. Now can’t we get someone out there to straighten him out? Hello? I’m not sure if this is working right. This is Rudy!
-Mission Control, this is Silver Fox. We’ve got a wayward parker in Sector 7G. Someone driving a late-model rice…Japanese car is wreaking havoc on the 2400 block of Wisconsin Avenue. He’s already knocked the bumper off one car and is dinging the tar out of another one right now. Oh my God, it’s a Crown Vic! Stop! Stop! You’ll never fit in that space! Request immediate backup!
-Mission Control, this is Rudy. We’re gonna need more coffee over here.
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