What's a SpongeBob?
August 15, 2004
by Brendon McCullin

There’s an inherent problem with being a first time father when you’re over the age of 30, namely that it’s been a long time since you were a kid yourself. In today’s world, with the overriding emphasis on youth culture, I’m sure it’s less of a problem now than it was say twenty or thirty years ago – but for many it’s a problem none-the-less. After all not every guy over 30 shells out a ton of money for the latest video game system, even though it might seem that way.

Once you have a child, it’s always a good idea to start relating to him or her. If you haven’t tried to understand a child since you were one yourself, it’s not something that will magically happen because you’ve become a father. No divine spirit comes and grants you insight into the mind of your child. It’s something that you have to relearn, which often leads to a series of inquiries asking if you’re all right after you’ve been discovered staring blankly at your progeny.

That’s where television enters the picture. Want to know what your kid is thinking? Well, chances are a lot of junior’s bright little ideas are coming from the good ol’ “boob tube.” Many kids may learn how to count and say their ABC’s from television, but a new parent can quickly gain an “in” with their children, finding a set of references to work from while trying to communicate. And let’s face it; having some talking points is a big help to those adults whose only real conversations take place with coworkers over cubicle walls.

If you’re over 30, then you spent at least a portion of your childhood in the 70’s, wearing green Toughskins, watching reruns on UHF stations and spending Saturday mornings glued to the living room TV set studying the latest installments of “Scooby Doo” and “Fat Albert.” It doesn’t take a genius to know that things are a little bit different for today’s kids. Between cable and satellite TV and the elaborate home entertainment systems that populate middle-class homes, the choices out there for children are enough to make the head of an uninitiated adult pop off and do cartwheels down the hall.

With so many offerings, it’s easy to get bogged down in the muck and mire that comprises a lot of what’s out there for your kid’s viewing pleasure. As a public service then, below is a quick cheat sheet for some of the programs your little one might be watching:

	Sesame Street: The PBS icon is still one of the best shows out there for preschoolers. It has the added bonus of still featuring characters that you probably watched yourself as a youngster. At first the hypnotic effect that Elmo (the little red monster that now dominates the show) can have on children is a bit unnerving, but trust me, you’ll soon be using that to your advantage.
	Dora the Explorer: A little Hispanic girl and her monkey use a talking map and backpack to complete some task or other, going from point A to point C. The monkey wears boots – don’t bother asking why.
	Blue’s Clues: An overly cheerful guy in a striped shirt and a blue animated dog live in a house where even the salt and pepper shakers talk. The cheery guy has to find three clues from the dog, Blue (hence the show’s name), to figure out what the canine wants to communicate. Singing and dancing ensue.
	Bob the Builder: A guy with a team of talking heavy machinery goes around town fixing everything apparently for free. Knowing that the show was produced in England will probably help explain a lot.
	Teletubbies: Depending on your lifestyle choices regarding altered states you might already know something about this one. Also British, it features four round-ish brightly colored characters – really performers in costumes with zippers that are clearly visible – bouncing around and babbling baby talk. Completely mesmerizes toddlers and stoners alike.
	The Wiggles: A bunch of Australian guys play music and dance around with characters that look like they escaped from a theme park.
	Barney: A show that is rightly reviled. It’s cloying and simple-minded. Keep your child away from the purple dinosaur at all costs.
	SpongeBob SquarePants: A simple sponge and his dimwitted starfish friend ramble around the ocean, often accompanied by a squirrel in a diving suit and a clarinet-playing squid. OK, it’s hard to explain but it features some of the funniest cartoon bits in years.
	Fairly Odd Parents: From the same school of thought as SpongeBob. It revolves around a whiny little suburban kid that has a pair of fairy godparents that screw things up. Not as funny as the sponge, but it has it’s moments.

It should be pointed out that just watching what’s on television at any given time is not nearly enough for the modern child. They also require a fully stocked library of videos and/or DVD’s. The good news is that this allows you to share with your child numerous movies and shows that you enjoyed watching as a kid, but just be aware that there is also a downside.

What many new parents aren’t told initially is that there’s a little known clause to parenthood that requires that a minimum of five Disney movies must be provided and available for viewing at their child’s discretion. It’s in a collective bargaining agreement somewhere and the penalty for failure to comply with this clause is untold hours of screaming, kicking and breath holding.

The end result is that every parent in the United States has the complete script of at least one Disney movie fully committed to memory. Knowing this can have its advantages in the adult world though. Say that you happen to know the favorite movie of an annoying coworker’s child; you can use certain key words to elicit a Pavlovian response at inopportune times, like during a budget meeting. To test it out, just say the word “guest” to any parent that’s seen “Beauty and the Beast” 400 times and stand back while they belt out the chorus of “Be Our Guest” complete with dancing silverware.

Which leads us to our last tidbit – almost all of today’s children’s programming comes complete with catchy little tunes that will burrow into the deepest recesses of your brain where they will play on an unending loop until your child is 15. Simply by humming aloud the theme song to any of the shows listed above you can disrupt the thought patterns of adults in a 30-mile radius.

The positive is that these songs also provide a common ground for communicating with your child. Before kids can form sentences they can sing whole songs that they’ve heard on television. If you find yourself at a loss for words, just start singing a song from “Sesame Street.” Your child will either sing along or go off to watch TV, in either case giving you the time necessary to plot your next move.

It also comes in handy when communicating with kids that aren’t yours. If you’re stuck in a roomful of nieces and nephews, singing the theme from “SpongeBob” can bring the crowd to a standstill. In an instant, every kid will join in full throttle and it will distract them for a few minutes from using you as a trampoline. Sure, it will also annoy every other adult present, but that isn’t necessarily all bad if your in-laws have just insulted you for the hundredth time since you arrived.

The experts will tell you that you should get to know your child, explore the world with them and find things of interest to both of you. However, in the real world, watching television with the kids is about as close as most of us are going to get to that ideal. So, rewind your mind, sit back and watch TV with your child as though it were 1978 again.

Just be careful not to get too carried away. One look at Grandma’s picture of you in those Toughskins, and your credibility is shot for life.

(Brendon McCullin is a volunteer staff writer for 2 Walls Webzine)