Convention Season (Duck Season!)
July 25, 2004
by Bob Holt

It's time once again for the Democratic and Republican national conventions. These are those popular rites of summer which only occur every four years, as coincidentally, do elections. They have generated such a buzz across the country this year that even the cicadas are leaving.

And a lot more people are going to be interested in the results of the conventions this year and will be tuning in to their local broadcasts, at least after they get back from the latest showing of Spiderman 2.

They will be watching only if they are actually able to find any television coverage of the conventions. At last report networks were cutting back their allotted time even further than they did in 2000. Complete opening night coverage is currently scheduled during the commercial break between the end of "Who Wants To Marry My Dad?" and the beginning of the 11:00 PM local news.

So it is likely that many wavering November voters will have more questions than usual this year about their potential candidates. As a public service to the voting community, we are allowing readers to interrupt this column with any questions they may have which we will gladly answer or lie about.

Former President Bill Clinton, fresh from a successful book signing tour at numerous booksellers, community centers, and Hooters, is scheduled to speak on Monday, July 26, opening night of the Democratic Convention. The Democrats have decided that the theme of their convention this year will be "Aside From The Fact That We're Two White Guys Who Could Pay The Federal Budget Deficit With Our Pocket Change, We're Just Like Middle America."

Q: Is it true that Larry Flynt currently owns the movie rights to President Clinton's biography, "My Life?"

A: All signs point to yes.

Massachusetts Senator Edward M. Kennedy will speak on Tuesday, and then propose a toast to the Democrats' keynote speaker, Michael Moore.

Vice-presidential nominee John Edwards is scheduled to speak on Wednesday, and on the final day the Democratic party's Presidential nomination will be accepted by President Clinton. Senator John F. Kerry is expected to express both opposing views on the issue.

Q: If I was a firefly on the wall listening to a conversation between John Kerry and former Vice-president Al Gore, is it true that I would generate the most electricity in the room?

A: It is decidedly so.

Other potential speakers at the convention include Reverend Al Sharpton and former Vice-president Gore, who is currently scheduled to appear live via satellite from a campaign fundraiser at a Blockbuster in Toledo.

Q: Did Al Gore actually perfect a standing freestyle Macarena at the Democratic National Convention in 1996?

A: Yes, he took them down to Funky Town.

At the end of August we will go to New York City for thrills of the Republican National Convention, brought to you by Halliburton. The Republicans have declared the theme of their convention to be: "We Could Have Held Our Convention In The UN Building This Year If We Had Really Wanted To."

Opening night August 30 will see scheduled speakers being former New York mayor Rudolph Giuliani, acting mayor Michael (Bloomy) Bloomberg, and Arizona Senator John McCain.

Q: Could either candidate help to cut the federal budget deficit by advocating capital punishment for those people who file the stupid lawsuits, like the ones about fast-food restaurants forcing people to eat?

A: They'd have my vote.

President Bush likes to point out that while filmmaker Moore is an impressive keynote speaker, the Republicans are negotiating with Garfield: The Movie actress Jennifer Love Hewitt to do their keynote honors. He reportedly says, "The Bush/Cheney administration gives Garfield: The Movie two thumbs up. Remember, we support kitties, not terrorists." Democratic insurgent Bill Clinton is rumored to be making an appearance that night.

On the second night, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger will speak, complete with signing by Secretary of Education Rod Paige. The governor will then finish by repeatedly bench pressing the President's wife, Laura.

Q: Speaking of actors, there are rumors flying that another movie sequel, Police Academy 8, is in the works. Can either candidate put a stop to this?

A: For the love of God, they must.

On Wednesday Dick Cheney will accept his party's nomination for Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler by telling the delegates to kindly do something untoward to themselves, brought to you by Halliburton.

And on Thursday, the peak television rating night, President Bush will deliver a statement explaining the geometric configuration behind the Pythagorean theorem, or attempt to pronounce Abu Ghraib, whichever comes first.

Q: Does either candidate realize that justtoiletpaper.com is offering rolls of toilet paper with the likenesses of George W. Bush and John Kerry on them, asking, "Who's best suited to clean up the mess?"

A: They have both washed their hands of the whole affair. But this message HAS been approved by yours truly.

After viewers have finished spending eight nights watching these conventions, most of their questions about the candidates should have finally been answered. Like why is Peter Parker such a dweeb?

But when it comes to the office of the Presidency, we all realize that with great power comes great responsibility. So we have time for a couple more questions.

Q: Can either candidate spin a web and swing from building to building in order to foil terrorists?

A: Kucinich has reportedly attempted this.

Q: Why would anyone in their right mind want the job of President of the United States?

A: Reply hazy, don't ask again.

(Bob Holt is a guest writer for 2 Walls Webzine)