I'm losing patience with my neighbours, Mr. Bush
From The Observer
By Terry Jones
January 26, 2003

I'm really excited by George Bush's latest reason for bombing Iraq: he's running out of patience. And so am I!

For some time now I've been really pissed off with Mr. Johnson, who lives a couple of doors down the street. Well, him and Mr. Patel, who runs the health food shop. They both give me queer looks, and I'm sure Mr. Johnson is planning something nasty for me, but so far I haven't been able to discover what. I've been round to his place a few times to see what he's up to, but he's got everything well hidden. That's how devious he is.

As for Mr. Patel, don't ask me how I know, I just know – from very good sources – that he is, in reality, a Mass Murderer. I have leafleted the street telling them that if we don't act first, he'll pick us off one by one.

Some of my neighbours say, if I've got proof, why don't I go to the police? But that's simply ridiculous. The police will say that they need evidence of a crime with which to charge my neighbours.

They'll come up with endless red tape and quibbling about the rights and wrongs of a pre-emptive strike and all the while Mr. Johnson will be finalising his plans to do terrible things to me, while Mr. Patel will be secretly murdering people. Since I'm the only one in the street with a decent range of automatic firearms, I reckon it's up to me to keep the peace. But until recently that's been a little difficult. Now, however, George W. Bush has made it clear that all I need to do is run out of patience, and then I can wade in and do whatever I want!

And let's face it, Mr Bush's carefully thought-out policy towards Iraq is the only way to bring about international peace and security. The one certain way to stop Muslim fundamentalist suicide bombers targeting the US or the UK is to bomb a few Muslim countries that have never threatened us.

That's why I want to blow up Mr. Johnson's garage and kill his wife and children. Strike first! That'll teach him a lesson. Then he'll leave us in peace and stop peering at me in that totally unacceptable way.

Mr. Bush makes it clear that all he needs to know before bombing Iraq is that Saddam is a really nasty man and that he has weapons of mass destruction - even if no one can find them. I'm certain I've just as much justification for killing Mr Johnson's wife and children as Mr Bush has for bombing Iraq.

Mr. Bush's long-term aim is to make the world a safer place by eliminating 'rogue states' and 'terrorism'. It's such a clever long-term aim because how can you ever know when you've achieved it? How will Mr Bush know when he's wiped out all terrorists? When every single terrorist is dead? But then a terrorist is only a terrorist once he's committed an act of terror. What about would-be terrorists? These are the ones you really want to eliminate, since most of the known terrorists, being suicide bombers, have already eliminated themselves.

Perhaps Mr. Bush needs to wipe out everyone who could possibly be a future terrorist? Maybe he can't be sure he's achieved his objective until every Muslim fundamentalist is dead? But then some moderate Muslims might convert to fundamentalism. Maybe the only really safe thing to do would be for Mr. Bush to eliminate all Muslims?

It's the same in my street. Mr. Johnson and Mr. Patel are just the tip of the iceberg. There are dozens of other people in the street who I don't like and who – quite frankly – look at me in odd ways. No one will be really safe until I've wiped them all out.

My wife says I might be going too far but I tell her I'm simply using the same logic as the President of the United States. That shuts her up.

Like Mr. Bush, I've run out of patience, and if that's a good enough reason for the President, it's good enough for me. I'm going to give the whole street two weeks – no, 10 days – to come out in the open and hand over all aliens and interplanetary hijackers, galactic outlaws and interstellar terrorist masterminds, and if they don't hand them over nicely and say 'Thank you', I'm going to bomb the entire street to kingdom come.

It's just as sane as what George W. Bush is proposing – and, in contrast to what he's intending, my policy will destroy only one street.

Response from Michael Walls
February 2003

Some interesting facts have arisen that just may give Mr. Terry Jones the right to bomb his neighbors Mr. Johnson and Mr. Patel.

You see, a year or so ago, Mr. Patel freely admitted to having a busload of people hijacked and driven into my two-car garage. At the time, nearly 3,000 of my friends and family were working in my garage and due to Mr. Patel's hatred of me and my kind, he killed everyone on the bus and in the garage.

Now, I realize that Mr. Johnson was (conveniently) on vacation at time of the bus crash, therefore no direct link to him is evident. But it is well known that Mr. Johnson and Mr. Patel are close friends, and there is evidence that Mr. Johnson has provided Mr. Patel with information and training for his people on many occasions.

You may also recall, several years back, that Mr. Johnson marched across his other neighbor's lawn, Mr. Kuwait, uninvited, and proceeded to occupy his house, and act like it belonged to him. I actually had to go over, at the plea for help by Mr. Kuwait, and kick Mr. Johnson and all his associates out of Mr. Kuwait's house.

Due to this unneighborly (and illegal) act, I called a meeting down at the U.N. Town Hall, and along with all the other neighbors on the street, we decided we needed to monitor Mr. Johnson to prevent any such unauthorized occupation of other people's property in the future.

It was a difficult task over the years, as Mr. Johnson never really fully cooperated with our efforts to prevent him from developing items that might harm other people. He was constantly hiding things and preventing us from inspecting certain areas, until we finally gave up and left his house, hoping he was telling the truth.

But then after the bus disaster, we found some evidence to suggest that Mr. Johnson was busy manufacturing dangerous items. Nothing concrete as a "smoking gun", but evidence suggesting he's purchased items from the French bistro and German auto plant that could help him produce dangerous items to be used against everyone on the street.

Now, it is true, we don't have photos of Mr. Johnson holding a dangerous item, or voice recordings of him clearly stating his intentions, or video of him plotting against me and my neighbors, but some of his own family (who have managed to escape from his house) have testified to the atrocities he has afflicted on his own family and people in his house.

I understand the French Bistro and the German auto plant's position in this controversy. After all, they've been doing business with Mr. Johnson for years, and it's not good business to plot against your customers. But I am not comfortable sitting idle and waiting for Mr. Johnson to unleash some horrible disaster (or to provide Mr. Patel again with the means to unleash some horrible disaster).

I now understand what President Bush means when he states, "I'm running out of patience." I've given Mr. Johnson plenty of opportunity to come clean, to show the street that he does not have anything to hide (just like the United States has given Iraq plenty of opportunities to do the same), yet Mr. Johnson continues to defy the street's unified agreement for full inspections of his property.

I feel sorry for the few people on this street that have been duped by Mr. Johnson's act of innocence, even though his past actions have clearly defined him as a dangerous man who cannot be taken for his word. I'm afraid if Mr. Johnson does not comply with peaceful resolutions, proposed by most of the members of the U.N. Town Hall, then Mr. Johnson leaves us no choice but to occupy his house by force.

This is not something I look forward to doing. I fear for the safety and well being of members of my house that may be killed or injured in such an invasion. But if we do not act soon, we may be faced with larger numbers of victims due to a disastrous event sparked by Mr. Johnson and Mr. Patel.

(Michael Walls is a volunteer staff writer for 2 Walls Webzine)