One Last Question
March 2003
by David Brown

Are we at war yet? Forgive me, but I haven't been watching CNN lately. I'm too busy studying the NCAA bracket. Can you believe Texas Tech got left out? Is it just because they hate Bobby Knight? I mean, if Saddam Hussein and Jacques Chirac put together a team in the Big 12, went 18-12 in the nation's toughest conference, and took Oklahoma to overtime in the conference tourney semis, they'd be in, wouldn't they?

Back to the war. Since we've reached the point of no turning back, I have one last question. And this is the 10 billion dollar question that has NEVER BEEN ASKED!! But in my sense of duty to country and a deep-seeded cynicism toward this whole affair and the Administration in general, I must put forth: What if we can't find Saddam?

Let's be honest, folks. Despite our overwhelming military superiority, it's no lock that we're just going to waltz into the presidential palace in Baghdad, brush past a couple of admin assistants and slap the cuffs on the Mustachioed Menace like he is the CEO of some scandal-riddled savings and loan. The entire country exists for the sole purpose of keeping him safe and secure. There's bound to be more than just a revolving bookcase that leads to a secret passageway to the garage and a getaway car.

We still haven't tracked down bin Laden, and we've been scouring the globe like starving rats looking for him for 18 months. If Hussein can get out of the country, using his countless look-alikes and boyish charm, he may disappear forever.

Of course there are few places in the world that would welcome Saddam Hussein with open arms. But something tells me there is enough anti-American sentiment in the world these days where anyone who professes to hate us as much as the Iraqi president could find a couch to crash on for at least a couple of weeks.

Maybe our government knows more than they are telling us. (Please, for the love of God, let them know a whole hell of a lot more than they are telling us.) Maybe they have a fool-proof plan for capturing Saddam, making it nearly impossible for him to escape the swift kick of justice. Alright, Rumsy, we'll give you the benefit of the doubt. Surely we wouldn't have come this far, surely we wouldn't have flouted the UN and much of the world, surely we wouldn't be ready to throw the switch on an entire country if we didn't know for certain that we could accomplish our number one goal without any chance of anything short of complete and total success.

For to go in there and not get Saddam would be absolute political ruin for the United States, and particularly for George W. Bush and his entire family. The Bush name would be synonymous with failure-"He couldn't get Saddam," would follow around Bushes I and II in perpetuity, in much the same manner as "Lewinsky" haunts Clinton, "Watergate" haunts Nixon, and "Big Fat Guy" haunts Taft.

President Bush himself would become a marked man as notorious and hated as the man he now hunts. Americans would rally and riot all night every night in front of the White House demanding his resignation or his forcible removal from power. The same Supreme Court that granted him Executive Authority would strip it from him like a hunter skinning a deer on the side of the road after a fresh kill. The world would unite against us – even our staunchest allies would run screaming from our failure, suddenly emboldened to question our every move throughout the last 100 years. Our position as the dominant global superpower would turn black with gangrene, morphing into the face of a tyrannical empire – the bane of all existence that must be stopped at any and all costs.

Of course if we capture Saddam, all of this can be avoided. So again, let's be clear. We have a terrific plan for getting this guy, right? There's no way he could ever slip through our fingers, right? If there's any hesitation or reticence on this point, pull back our troops, call off the dogs, go back to the UN and the drawing table and start over.

(David Brown is a volunteer staff writer for 2 Walls Webzine)