The Race Is On
January 27, 2004
by Glenn Pfeifer

It’s finally official. I have started to care about the Democratic primaries. Having only been back in the party for 4 years or so after a stint as an independent, namely to support former senator Bill Bradley in his unsuccessful quest to oust Al Gore, you may think my apathy towards this years race is normal. I mean did the die-hard Dems even care much about this year’s version of television's best reality show until Howard Dean squealed like a pig after the Iowa caucus? As soon as he completed his befuddled attempt to put a positive spin on his Iowa collapse, everyone had a comment on how he sounded, how he pumped his fists, even how people in the room kept from laughing when he went wild. He sounded like a man possessed, not by Lucifer, but more like the spirit of Lucille Ball.

The only thing scarier than Dean's post third-place finish speech was watching blue-haired women with 3/4-inch-thick spectacles attempt to count raised hands in someone’s dining room. “…now was your hand up deerie? Oh fiddlesticks…let me start over…”

The Iowa caucus process had me wondering if anyone in, get this, The “Hawkeye” State, has noticed the technological advancements that have been made in the most recent century. Witnessing senior-citizen-aged Iowans count hands over bear claws and coffee made the Florida voting process of 2000 look like genetic code research.

I guess some good has come out this caucus turned heavy-metal-screeching contest. We are realizing, for the 3 millionth time it seems, that Quinnipeac College, Johns Hopkins, Berkeley and whoever else runs these opinion polls, HAVE NO IDEA WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN!

Howard Dean was winning a race that 40% of the people who decide the winner of hadn’t even woken up yet to realize it was happening. I’m thinking of starting my own poll this year that shows me as a front runner, just so I can look into that Federal funds matching thing and pay off some of these home improvement bills that have been piling up.

When will the politicians stop paying so much goddamn attention to these plus-or-minus 7% polls that show them in statistical dead heats, or out in front, or even their popularity among tattooed moms slipping? I suppose never. How else can the industry that has become political analysis survive? How can a candidate know which way to spin a story if he doesn’t have a poll to base his “stance-delgiorno” on? How can I find time to trash the system on these fine pages if they fix it?

As February’s first issue of 2Walls runs, we will be knee deep in political coverage. The term Super Tuesday will be on our horizon – written, read and said more often than Paris Hilton sex video emails clog my Yahoo mailbox.

Are we ready? Are we, as Americans, ready to care which egocentric, back-slapping, baby-hugging, white-bread baby boomer gets the chance to unseat the master of all things fund-raised – The “W” Almighty? Stay tuned. Sound bite refreshments included.

(Glenn Pfeifer is a volunteer staff writer for 2 Walls Webzine)